Doctors appointment.. Mom troubles..

Thank goodness for Xanax..
Seriously

I'm stressed... I'm worried... I want to take over and make SURE everything's gonna be ok..

The fainting spells haven't stopped. They're SO painful.. I said if it happened one more time, then I would make an appointment..
Went to the doctor yesterday..
She has reviewed all of my medical records since way back when.. SO, I trust her judgement..
IDK though... She thinks it's my stupid heart... 

I've always had a fast heart-rate.. That's normal for me..
I've been to the cardiologist twice about it. (They made me go during both pregnancies)
She ordered an echo-cardiogram and a 24 hour heart monitor. I really don't want to do it.
I think my heart is FINE.. I'm 26... TWENTY SIX...  I've been dealt a crappy hand when it comes to my stomach, so.. my heart just has to be fine.. 

I want to say "Nope!" and ignore it all.
I. do. not. want. to. do. this.
I'll be fine!
Let me tell ya how the 24 hour monitor is gonna go with MY kids.. "Hey, there's no blood.. you're ok..." (while I'm about to freak out) .. "Did you just eat that?!?!!" (checking Google to see if its gonna do any harm).. "Look, if you're gonna jump... can you NOT jump off of stuff THAT high?!!" (*covers eyes*) 

I used to be such a calm person!

I wish I could go down to GA and fix everything.. Take care of everybody...
My Aunt's partner is having to have surgery.
Mom thinks she needs to be there for everything.. I'm good with that.. BUT
She keeps falling..
She fell up here (and fell onto Weston).. and she recently fell and messed up her ankle...
I want to go down there.. Pack up her stuff... Drag her back here.. Clear out my entire basement (There's 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, a living-room, and a utility room down there.. 800sq ft!!!!) and make her move in with me. I told her that she will ALWAYS have that space if she needed it.. She makes me so NERVOUS! "You know, I can have it cleaned out in like.. 8 hours... Its yours!"
But no.. she's stubborn... 

I understand that she wants her freedom.. I just wish she'd be more careful! She lives in the middle of nowhere.. There's snakes, scary people, and did I mention that she lives alone? What if something happened?! I keep hoping that 1. my aunt would be there.. or 2. she'd call me and I could find her help.. Is it bad that I want to get her life-alert for Christmas?
YES, I know shes a grown woman.. I will always worry though..
Every time I get a call from a GA number that's not hers.. I have a hard time hitting "answer".. -
I know taking care of mom (not that its a bad thing) is gonna be all me.. I'm OK with it... I just want that part of my life to be REALLY far away...

Better

I'm feeling a lot better today.. Well, mentally.. Last night was a very rough night stomach wise... I've taken my max amount of Zofran and still feel really ew... Not feeling light headed today though, so I'll take it.

Everything else in my life is good..
At this very moment, everything is calm.. My kids are sitting on a blanket in front of me, singing.. Candles have been lit.. The room is semi-clean.. Everybody's clean and their little belly's are full..  I'm good!

Hard to talk about.

I don't know who reads this.. I don't know what I should be saying..
Gonna write about what I'm worried about.

Me.
This is gonna be a messy, emotional post..
I don't care.
I don't say anything to anybody about this stuff.. I'm about to explode...

I went to my cousins wedding 2 weekends ago. It was in Charlotte, about 6 hours away.
Everything was great.. I drove all the way there .. Got checked into the hotel, got everybody dressed, and headed to the rehearsal. The rehearsal went well.. Kadyn was a little moody, but when is she not? We're at that age.. Drove to the rehearsal dinner..
Spent about an hour talking to family.. Played catch-up with everybody..
My little family was gathered around the picnic table.. I started to feel kind of sick.. I just shrugged it off and blamed it on not eating enough.  I ate a few bites of food and drank 2 bottles of water..
Kept getting worse..
MB knew something was wrong with me..  She sat down next to me and all I could say was "it's getting bad.. I feel faint.. "
Hollie (mb's girlfriend) came and tried to help too... She took over my mom-role and helped me with the kids.
My hearing went, everybody sounded like they were under water.
My balance was gone..  I looked completely drunk.. (I wish I would have been)
I couldn't find my mom anywhere. MB loaded up my stuff, Hollie loaded up the kids.. and they took me to the car.. I really didn't want to leave, but it was almost to where I couldn't stand up..
Mom finally met me in the car and we started to drive back to the hotel.
I got sick in the stupid car.. There were two blocks of time that I don't remember.. I think that's passing out? IDK
She pulled me out of the car and laid me in bed.
EVERYTHING hurt..
My stomach area was throbbing and everything was spinning..
I kept checking on the kids, but I had no energy.
I guess it's a good thing that I didn't go by myself...

I'm so tired of this.
Doctors just send off for CT scans.. Blood tests.. Upper GI's... I'm so tired of it ALL...  I know it could be worse.. I know it could be MUCH worse.. But, I'm 26 with two kids.. I'm scared...
I'm tired of the tests, but I know its all necessary..
I wake up during upper GI's, with the tube down my throat..
CT scans just burn..
During blood tests, my veins ALWAYS roll..
It hurts..
This is also taking a toll on my family financially. I feel so much guilt about that.. I remember my parents struggling with it when I was in high school.. I left home at 17 because I was tired of being a burden. I wanted to be free of all of it.. Part of the reason I married my first husband was "we'll have tricare".. As awful as that sounds.. He also focused ALL of energy into "fixing me" at first.

I try to act tough about all of it..
Seeing my mom during the last "episode" was hard.. She said it reminds her of my "failing" days.. I don't like to see anybody upset, so I act as OK as I can.. I refuse to talk about it after..

This is how I feel about it all..
I'm confused
I'm terrified
I'm angry..
I'm enjoying EVERY bit of my life.. I look at my kids differently..
I have a gut feeling that something is very wrong.. I'm FRUSTRATED that NO doctor can figure it out.. What if its something that is just getting worse?

Why can't I just be normal?

UPcycling! *edited*

My happy place.

I've been "upcycling" furniture again.
It makes me happy... I realized that I don't have anything that I fixed up.. I either gave it away, or it was "sold" (taken, but "here's $20")
I cannot stand to see a piece of well built furniture go to waste. The stuff that is sold now-a-days is just crap. Particle board is the devil.. lol...
It makes me wince when I see people treating antiques like crap.
Cant deal!!!



This is a piece that I found this week.
There were a billion magazine racks at this shop, but they all looked plain.
I knew somebody was going to buy them! Borrrrrinnnggg!
THEN I saw this.. It was in the back corner, covered in dirt and dust.
It honestly looked like it might fall apart. Marked at $18 though, I was ok with that.
I LOVE the detail!
I brought it home and.....
1. cleaned it
2. tightened everything back up.
3. GENTLY tapped in the nails that were coming out..
4. Cleaned the detailing out with a TINY paintbrush and oil.
5. cleaned it again. (Warm water)
6. Polished it
7. Polished it some more.. lol!
I wish I would have taken a "before" picture!!! UGH!!! I got too excited and forgot..

I told the lady that was selling it that I was going to "try to bring it back to life" and she asked if I was going to paint it.
I don't usually paint anything that has that much detail.. I also don't like to PAINT antiques..
One thing that bugs me more than anything else... When I see a beautiful piece of antique furniture that's painted and "distressed",,,, NoOoOOoOo!!!.. "Its makes it look old!".... It freaking IS old, and should be respected.. Gah!
I don't bring out the paint unless its a newer beat-to-hell-but-has-potential piece..
I also don't believe in spray paint.. lol.. OK... Its alright for some things, but I try to avoid it when I'm painting furniture.

The next day, I went exploring.

The Corner Thrift Shop (with a green roof) was so much fun. It had holes in the floor, but whatever! I got the three smaller pictures from there. The owner was a character! He reminded me of somebody back in Newberry.
Huckleberry's was great.. The owner was awesome..  She gave me a lot of suggestions on where to go in downtown Fredericksburg. She also showed me the corner that she put all of HER unfinished projects in.. VERY cool... The huge picture with the blue around it caught my eye.
Children Playing at the Seashore.

Had to get it!

It's hanging over my fireplace right now.


My newest projects..
Yesterday, I went to a goodwill store.. I needed to drop a LOT of stuff off..
I found my 2 newest projects. I've almost finished one, but forgot the clear coat!! UGH! Gotta make another trip to home depot. *sigh*


*Edit*

Before and after. Not shown was the horrible bubbling in the wood.. That took a while to fix.. 

Very VERY bad day.

Something happened yesterday that terrifies me.

I was at the store with the kids.. I was feeling fine..
I usually start on one side of the store and move my way over to the milk/cheese.. Well, one aisle before I got there, I started to have a stomach ache.. I knew things were going South, so I skipped everything else and went to check out. At the check out, I started to cold sweat and every second felt like 10 minutes.. "I'll be fine.. I'll drink something and sit down when I get out of here.."
I sat on the back of the car with the kids and drank some apple juice.. Things got worse...
Everything started spinning.. I shoved the rest of the groceries into the car, fumbled my way through buckling the kids, and sat in the front seat... I pointed the AC towards my face and things got a little better... My stomach still felt as though I was being punched.... I didn't know if I should stay that way, or head for home.. Nobody could come get me, so I decided to drive home.. The store is literally 2 minutes away from my house.. I went 30-40 all the way home and parked in our drive way.. I didn't know how bad things were at the time, but I shouldn't have driven. THAT was not responsible at all. Anyways, I sat there for a minute waiting for my phone to turn on. I couldn't really feel my legs after I parked. My phone was taking too long and things got really blurry again.. I got up and went to get Josh.. I saw him coming out already.. I got out of the car and tried to go up the stairs (he was getting the kids).. I collapsed on our front steps.. He put the kids inside and helped me get into the bathroom. I blacked out.. I couldn't speak.. I couldn't sit up.. I couldnt do anything.. I was in so much pain and the only thing I could say was "help me".. He was standing over me, yelling "HOW!? tell me what to do!".. I was drenched in sweat and passed out every minute or so, for about 5 seconds.. I told him that he needed to call 911... (I've never in my LIFE had to do that).. He went to get his phone.. He stood there for a minute and I was able to sit up.. I said nevermind (I'm extremely hard headed when it comes to the hospital).. He was still wanting to call... He helped me upstairs and I laid on the bed.. I had stopped blacking out, but I still couldn't really talk and felt limp.. He got me water, pain pills, and an ice pack. I laid in the bed and cried.. I didn't know what was going on...

My children tried to grab me while I was in the bathroom.. They both kept grabbing at my shirt, and Kadyn was screaming "Mommy!!"... I pushed them out and shut the door.. "No.. no.. its ok.. " is all I could get out.. Josh took them to the other side of the house..

He brought them upstairs after things calmed down.  Kadyn barely touched me and told me she loved me.. Weston had fallen asleep, so Josh put him down next to me..
I stayed there for a few hours.
I told Josh that if it looked like it was going to happen again, to go ahead and call the paramedics.. But until then, I just needed rest..

Josh has distanced himself from me. He was very snappy, and didn't really talk to me after all of that happened.. He doesn't want to go near me.. I've been broken up with before because of this stuff, so its REALLY bothering me that he's handling it like this..

You might think I'm insane for not calling them immediately..
This has happened to me before.. NOT to this severity.. But this has happened.. In 12th grade.. I almost blacked out in health science.. My parents talked with my teachers, doctors, and the principle that afternoon and then pulled me out of school.. I wasn't allowed to see friends or go to the senior ANYTHING.. I was allowed a "free pass" by my doctor to go to the prom..

My parents rushed me to the doctor when this happened to me then, and nobody could give them any answers.. We did every test under the sun and NOTHING..  I was scanned, poked, and they shoved a camera down my throat twice.. Nothing.. They kept dragging me to every doctor they could think of and nobody could help me.. I finally begged them to just let me be.. I couldn't take any more..

If it wasn't for that, then I would have gone to the hospital yesterday..
I'm still going to the doctor today..
Im printing this out and showing it to them. I'm not good at talking about this stuff..
When I told Kimberly last night, I could barely get it out.. I dont know why.. But I'm ashamed that this stuff happens to me.. I'm afraid people are going to think I'm making it up..

I wish I was making it up.

I'm not leaving the house for a while.
I've given Josh my drivers license and told him not let me drive until things get better.. IF that takes months, then so be it.. I feel so bad for driving yesterday..
I will not be going out alone again for a long time... Not going out alone with the kids for a VERY long time.. I dont trust myself any more. (Very bad feeling)
I dont really want to be alone at all.
I want to call my mom and beg her to come be with me.. I can't do that though.. She has her own life.


Maybe one day we'll figure this out..
I keep hoping..

Long update.

Update

Kadyn - Turned 4!!!!
She's FINALLY almost potty trained.. I broke down and did what my aunt and mom did.. After she had a cup of water, she sat on the potty for an hour and a half until she went.. She's been going ever since.. She pees in the potty, but we're still working on the other thing.. lol.. I know we're "behind" when it comes to potty training, but I'm trying not to focus on that. Every child is different.. She just happens to be one of the more hard-headed kids.. I told her that as soon as she ONLY goes to the potty, I'll enroll her in ballet or karate (her dads idea). Her dad and I would LOVE to do that for her. I do not know how I'll handle a rough and tough karate kid.. But I'll figure it out..

Birth

18 months

4 years old!! 

Anyways..  She has become an EXCELLENT big sister.. She loves to mother her brother.. She's always getting him snacks, drinks, toys, and she tells me when he needs to be changed. Even though I try to be vigilant, sometimes I miss things. Kadyn watches over her brother and always lets me know when he's doing something he shouldn't. I could not be more proud of her. She is a polite, caring, smart little girl..
I've asked her a few questions about being 4.
Whats your favorite color? blue
Whats your favorite food? lasagna and french fries.
Whats your favorite toy? Geo, Bot, and Millie.
Whats your favorite book? Anything mommy reads.
Whats your favorite outfit? Space PJS!
What do you want to be when you grow up? Like Cacky (tears)
What makes you happy? Mommy, Daddy, and Weston. (again, teary)
Kadyn - "I want to see my name! Kadyn Rebecca"

Weston - Is 14 months old! He has learned how to run, and he wears mommy OUT!  He knows about 20 words, and has started to put them into small sentences. "Sit down".. "Go up".. "No Bubba".. "Get down".. I swear he said "I love you" the other day..  He is the sweetest little boy.. He gives me kisses about 10 times a day and loves to snuggle.. Weston LOVES to clean.. Yes, I said that.. He has his own little broom and dust pan, and he goes around picking up everything off of the floor. He throws away anything that he thinks is trash. (I go behind him and make sure).. and he puts away his own clothes.. I hand them to him and tell him which drawer they go in, and he puts them away!
His favorite thing right now is the toy kitchen and play food.. Right now, he's watching the construction workers outside.. They're building our deck, and Wes thinks its the most interesting thing in the world. Weston is a very observant child. He stands back and watches things before he tries them. He watches his sister play, instead of playing with her. I am encouraging him to be a little more hands-on though. His personality is SO similar to his dads.
His favorites
Color? Orange
Food? Anything.. Wes eats anything and everything.. He is an EXCELLENT eater.. He prefers veggies and fruit over any kind of junk food.. He's like me when it comes to his diet!
Favorite toy? He has a few favorites... His blocks, his car, and his orange ball.  Of course he still likes all of his sisters toys more than his own, but whatever.. lol
Favorite book? Green eggs and ham.. Every time I say "I do not like", he laughs like crazy!
Favorite outfit? His red shark PJs.. Lately, he's been picking out his own clothes and its the only thing he doesn't say no to..
What do you want to be when you grow up? Can't really answer this one yet, but Josh says he's going to be a musician.. Weston can keep up with the beat of a song, and he loves to dance.
What makes you happy? Daddy. Weston has become a daddy's boy recently. Every time Josh comes home, Weston runs to him and snuggles him. He won't let Josh put him down for about 15 minutes.. When Josh makes eye contact with Wes, Wes lights up. 

For the longest time, I thought his hair would be black like Josh's.. It's lightening up though!!! 

Josh/Marriage

Josh is doing well. He's up for a promotion! We're keeping our fingers crossed that he gets it.. He'd go up about 12k a year from what he's currently making. It's a GS 13 spot.. Life would be so much easier if he got it.. His headaches are still happening. Its a very scary thing, and I wish he's go in for some tests. I made him an appointment with my doctor soon. Hopefully she'll be able to help!
Our marriage is getting stronger and stronger. I've been trying to let go of the past.  I keep waiting for bottom to fall out, and I discover some horrible habit or trait that he has. Its been 5 years, we've been together 7.. I dont think it's going to happen.. I'm still on edge though, because he seems so perfect. He think's he's not, but he really is.. Well.. Perfect for me.. I've never seen a man with such control over his emotions, such discipline, and such ambition. I'm very VERY proud of my husband. He's a gentle, caring, calm man, and that's exactly what I needed. I've had such harsh male figures in my life.. Its nice to know that's over.. 

Me -
Health - I saw my internist on Monday. She put me on a few different things.. We talked about the stomach issues and she brought up my old records.. She said she think's its time to see a surgeon.. I think I'm going to see a new gastroenterologist first. My last one suggested seeing a surgeon too.. I do NOT want to do any kind of exploratory surgery though.. They might be able to cut some adhesions, but 1. they'll most likely grow back. & 2. If they do grow back, they'll probably be worse.. the surgery could also create new scar tissue.. So, while it might be a short term fix, I do not think it's worth it in the long run.. I have too much relying on me.. 

My other option was to just stay medicated.. I hate it, but I think I'll have to..  We set up a routine of 5 medications.. I really hope they do something for once.. Today is my second day with the pain reliever, so far so good.. Its non-narcotic, so I can actually think! yay!
Personal life - The drama with my dad bothered me for a while. I had to create a new facebook, and I changed my number. It was rough at first, but it has been worth the trouble. I have 40 friends on this facebook, and they're people I don't think would hurt me. As for dealing with him, I refuse to let him see me upset. I'm also done running from it all..  I am a very nice person, but I know HOW to be mean.. I learned from the best.. I refuse to sink to his level EVER, but I will not be abused in any way.. I keep hearing that I yelled at his wife at the hospital. Its so far away from the truth... I do not make scenes in public. I have more respect for myself than that.. Its trashy... If I have an issue with somebody, I will find the right time and place to say something.. I'm firm, but I do not yell... Whatever though... I will keep my head up and SMILE.. He's taken away too much of my happiness, and I'm not going to give him that power any more.. I'm going to live my life to the fullest..  

No makeup.. lol

Here we go again.. =(

Here we go again.

2'ish weeks ago or ago, I started to have pretty bad stomach pains again...
One night, it was almost as bad as childbirth.. I went to the hospital.. They couldn't find anything... NOT surprising, that always happens.. I have no clue why this happens..
I'm back to hurting every day.. New medications.. New doctors.. New tests.. I'm so fed up..
I can do stuff up until about 2pm... then I start to ache... by dinner.. I cant really get up...
I eat *maybe* 2 meals a day.. On a good day.. So far, Ive lost 7 lbs in 2 weeks..
Its not a fun way to live..
It's hard being Mommy like this.. I feel so guilty about not being what I should be..

I don't know if its worth looking into though.
Every doctor just writes me off.. As soon as they hear "No large intestine .. 1/3 small.. " .. Its "WELL no wonder you hurt.. " I DO NOT HURT ALL THE TIME.. something is WRONG.. "You're lucky you live like you do.. "
Im lucky? Really? I'm 26 and I feel 80...  I can't function sometimes.. (Like now)...
I dont feel very lucky..

I'm afraid of it getting as bad as it was in high school.
They pulled me out of school.. I was bedridden.. Lost 40 lbs in 9 months.. I looked like (and felt like) death.. At my graduation rehearsal, kids were asking me if I was dying... No joke...
It all started out like this..
I just keep hoping things will someday be different..

Bedroom makeover.

I'm redoing my bedroom.

This is the quilt set that I ordered. 

This is the color that I painted the room.
We have white crown-molding.
I NEVER do bright/dark colors.. SOOOO I wanted to try something different..

The red came out a little more masculine than I wanted. Gonna be honest, at first.. I was horrified.. "What have I done!?!?!"
It's grown on me.. I don't handle different well..
That's why I went with the floral comforter. It looks more like me..
I think I'm going to add touches of white, and blue to "lighten" it up. 

Every room that I have ever lived in has been calm looking.
I've painted 2 of my rooms light pink, the other was a grayish green..
The room my sister and I shared at my dads was bright yellow.. That was odd..
I don't really have a vision for this room yet.. Every time I think I know what I like, I change my mind.
I just hope it turns out ok! 

Progress

Progress on the house.

dining room

This is the color of the kitchen, and formal living room space.. Its just an odd layout.. 

The office.. That desk is gone, he has a MUCH nicer one now.. 

Huge chalkboard wall... It wraps around to the pantry, and goes to where the stairs starts.. 

The color of Kadyns room.. She also got a new bed..

Half-bath

Dining room with everything in there.. SOME day, when the kids are less destructive.. Ill get a nice table.. lol

The color of the kids bathroom, and my very strange cat.. 

Outside

Ive also tried to make some changes to myself lately..
I scheduled my first counseling session for next Friday.. Ive been to counselors before, just not up here..
Its been about 5 years since the last time I went.
My decision wasnt really supported, but O well.. I need to do something..
I'm important too.. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I need to figure something out..

Sometimes I honestly feel like I can't breathe.

Spent yesterday dealing with Josh's migraine.. Took him to urgent care for help because it was so bad..
It wouldn't be so scary  if he hadn't had brain surgery in 2009.
In '09, he lost feeling in his hands and feet. I was 5 months pregnant with Kadyn when they did a scan of his brain, and determined that he had chiari malformation.. I was 26.5 weeks pregnant when they operated on him. It was one of the scariest days of my life.. I've been scared of something going wrong ever since.. I have so much to lose..

Sometimes I don't think I can handle it all...
PTSD, anxiety, brain issues...
On top of having 2 children, its a lot to deal with..

I need to do something for myself..
I need to find an outlet..
I don't have family or friends here.. Most of the friends I have in general, suck....
Maybe counseling again?
They always tell me "connect with your creative side.. use it as stress relief.."
Ya know, that might work.. IF I didn't have 2 kids who never freaking sleep.. One of them is CONSTANTLY needing me.. I need to figure something out...
I feel like I'm gonna explode.. Not good..

BTW, I dont think anybody reads this.. but IF so.. and you feel the need to talk about me... complain about me.. express concern, whatever.. DO NOT go to my family about me.. DO NOT.. Its cowardly.. I have ABSOLUTELY no respect for anybody who does that... You can contact ME.. I had somebody go to my sister about an issue recently.. Not only did it create issues within the family (I no longer want to talk to my sister.. last straw kinda thing.. ).. It just pissed me off..  My sister is probably the worst person to come to anyways.. Yes, we're civil.. I only do that for my mom... She has never cared and she barely knows me.. Be an adult and talk to me about any issue that you have with ME..
Thanks

Life has been a little hectic lately..

I want to complain.
I just signed for a $9,000 AC & heating overhaul..
Our AC died yesterday..  for good..
As much as I want to yell, kick, throw things, curse the world...  I'm not..
I'm thankful.. Why? Because I have the means to replace the broken AC..
I have a house to put it in.. I'm lucky..

It wouldn't be so scary if we didn't sign on a $10,000 deck project a few days before the AC went out.
Im nervous.. but still... thankful..
It's all gonna be ok..
Deep breaths..
Grown up problems...

Things have just been extremely hectic around here. Im trying to keep my head up and stay positive..
The last 4 weeks have been.. interesting...
4 weeks ago, my husband was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety disorder.. I'll always be there for him.. I've stuck around through a deployment, brain surgery, 4 moves, and I'll be here for him through this.. It tears me apart sometimes, but it's not about ME..
2 weeks ago, my father had a heart attack.. I would have stayed in VA and just dealt with it the way I did when he had his stroke, but he decided to bring my grandpa down from Charleston to watch his new kids.. THAT almost made ME have a heart attack.. I'll still never understand that decision.. I was worried sick, so I drove down to SC to make sure everything was ok..  Everybody else in my family runs for the hills when my dad enters the picture... I refuse to... I was nervous being around him, but I was more worried about grandpa than anything..  I did what I could to check on him.. I spoke with EVERYONE about his well-being.. I must have sounded like a damn detective.. lol... You could see it annoyed the hell out of my dad that I was more concerned about my grand dad... We haven't had a good relationship since 2011'ish..  I don't see it getting better, but I'm at peace with that. I've tried for YEARS .. You can only try for so long though.. Every time I got him into a good place, he destroyed it.. I would push him to find a stable home, make sure he had the furniture and food that he needed, get him to start taking care of himself a little better, and he would ruin it EVERY TIME by letting some woman take over his life.. He's better off alone.. I'm done trying to help  him though..
1 week ago, we started having problems with the AC...
Now, they're going to be cutting a hole in my ceiling, replacing some pipes, and then construction on the deck starts in September.. I need a minute.. lol!!

I'm trying to have faith..
Its all gonna work out for the best..
Everything WILL come together.

Not having to deal with it..

What I'm slowly realizing..

I don't have to put up with rudeness...
For YEARS, I've just dealt with it.. I grew up around some MEAN people... I married one the first go 'round.. I watched adults throwing tantrums in public, and just tolerated all of the disgusting behavior.
I thought it was just something you had to put up with.. That everybody had to just suck it up and deal with their designated jerks.
No..

I have a mean side too. I CHOOSE to be nice to people.. I CHOOSE to not hurt feelings.. I CHOOSE to say kind things when I can.. I CHOOSE to overlook certain things, because I know saying something would just do more harm than good.. I know when to control my mean side.. It's sad that so many people don't get that..  Some people think I'm dumb because I don't argue..
Some people think I'm weak because I don't immediately jump all over others.
That I'm too "easy" because I try to listen to both sides..
That I "like being hurt" because I give the person who hurt me, a chance to explain and redeem themselves.
Some don't like me.. but I would hate to be any other way..

July 15th... Part of the story..

5 years.
Tomorrow makes 5 years..
I remember it as if it was yesterday.
My heart aches just as badly..
5 years ago.. My husband was deployed.. I had moved back in with my mom in SC.. The baby was due before Josh was to be back.. I was thrilled, terrified.. but thrilled..
I had my first appointment in SC on July 15th.. Little did I know, that day would change my life forever.
I woke up at 7am, beyond excited to see our baby at 8:30am.. My husband was gone, so any small happy moment meant the world to me..
On the way to MUSC, I told my mom .. "I feel alone.. " ... I think I just knew..
She told me that it was probably just deployment funk, and that the ultrasound would cheer me up.
I remember sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by pregnant moms, stork paintings, and parenting magazines with smiling babies on the covers. I kept thinking "I can't believe it.. I get to be here... "
The ultrasound tech called me back, and started the exam.
I was so excited.. Until.. The look on her face changed..
"Um... lets try this... turn to your side... now.. hold your breath... um... turn again.. hmm... hold your breath again.. "
I sat nervously, no PROBLEM holding my breath..
She finally paused and touched my shoulder.. "Honey.. I need to go get a doctor.."
Panic.
The doctor came in and looked at the screen.. "Be right back.."
2 doctors came in..
Looked at the screen.. "I hate to tell you this.. There is no heartbeat.. Your baby has passed away.. "
I told them there was NO way.. I had JUST seen the baby squirming, kicking, and waving.. I JUST had a normal ultrasound 8-9 days before that..  They told me the baby measured correctly, so it had most likely JUST happened.. They showed me the babys head, arms, legs, hands, feet, and then pointed to the chest.. "See.. Nothing.. I'm so sorry.. "
The room started spinning..
Mom started crying..
My whole world came crashing down..
I had to tell my deployed husband that our baby was gone.
I called the family help line.. They tried to contact his command with no luck..  We then contacted the red cross.. The lady who was in charge of helping the families got a call back.. She got hold of his command..They said they'd try to get Josh, and sent a chaplin to speak with him..
At about 10am.. Josh messaged me.. I told him to call me immediately and that something had happened.
He called, I told him, and we both cried. Nobody had told him yet. I felt overwhelming guilt.
It must have been my fault.. Right before he got on "the bus" to deploy, he touched my belly and said "You dont worry about me, you worry about this... Take care of yourself and our baby.."
I cried all the way home
All night long
and for the 4 days after..
On July 19th, they scheduled me for surgery.. I was told that a D&C was my only option..
I was 11 weeks 1 day..  "You're too far along to do this at home. You'll just end up right back here, and you could lose your life." As if I wasn't scared enough..
I agreed to it..
The surgery was horrible and I suffered complications.
I was heartbroken, my body hurt, and I was lost.
I couldn't walk for two weeks, not like it mattered.
The doctors had me on so much medication, that I was barely awake.
The next few months were a blur.. Medication, sleep, counseling, and tears.
I got "at least it was early" or "everything happens for a reason".. Really!?
I disappeared from the face of the earth for a while.. I couldn't handle people..
People still asked me when my due date was..
People still congratulated me on the baby..
Everyone's life was going on like normal.. mine wasn't..
Nothing would ever be "normal" again.

5 years later, I still hurt.
When the thought crosses my mind, it stops me in my tracks.
I look at the ultrasound pictures on my dresser and wonder what if..
The ache has never gone away.. Probably never will..
Just because I have 2 children that I've been able to hold.. doesn't make it better..
The hole in my heart will always be there.
July 15th was the worst day of my life.
This year has hurt worse than the others for some reason, and its only the 14th.

Small silver lining?
I've tried to bring SOME good out of it.. Not for myself though..
Even though its extremely hard to do.. I put myself out there as support to other angel moms..
Telling them what to expect after they hear the horrible words "no heartbeat" ..
Even though it brings back every terrible feeling, I will always do what I can to honor my angel..
Whether it be answering a 2am phone call from some random friend-of-a-friend who has lost her tiny baby and can't stop crying..  Or sharing my story over and over, so that a new angel mom doesn't feel alone.. I'm trying..

I'll always remember.
and no..
Ill never get over it..

8 months, 5 years, and Kadyn's anxiety.

Hi guys!

8 months, 5th anniversary, anxiety.

Wes - WES! Wes is 8 months old. He's pulling up, and trying SO hard to crawl. He has 2 teeth, and he's starting to be very VERY vocal. "Da da da da da" is the main thing that he says.. Mr. Wes has been so frustrated though, he wants to walk.. He wants to do the things he sees his sister doing. I wish I could help him, but nope... I think I'm gonna go try to find a walker today, maybe that way he can be mobile. He's becoming quite the hand full.. Love him to pieces though!

Kadyn - Has been doing some things lately that worry me. She's starting to act extremely anxious out in public. She wont make eye contact, and she tenses up if people talk to her.. I hope this is just a phase. Also, she's started talking back. If I fuss at her, she screams "MOM" the whole time, or covers her ears. She never gets away with it though, I promise you that! Again, I hope its a phase. *The good stuff*.. She's learned how to add things by +1.. YAY!.. Miss Kadyn is also starting to go to bed by herself. We read a story and she knows its time to lay down and sleep. Josh and I are still looking for her big girl bedroom set.. I wish I could find something we ALL like!

Marriage - We celebrated our 5th anniversary! On Saturday, we opened presents. I got him a signed Ray Rice picture and his favorite cologne, and he got me a replacement engagement ring. LET ME TELL YA.. I was shocked... Overall, we're doing fine..

Georgia - I think that the kids and I are going to take a mini-vacation soon. Mom's coming up, and we're going to go back with her. I think it'll be good for the kids and I KNOW it'll be good for me. She lives on a "farm" (all of the animals are gone).. Its a cottage like house on a ton of land.. My family is all around.. I hope it warms up soon! I'm ready to go!

Daddy reading to Kadyn.

One of his favorite things to do. 

Teeth!

New carseat! 

The ring that he got me, that has yet to even ship.. UGH! lol 

Accident, 7 months, Hair..

Hey guys!

Things are starting to look up!
I've gotten the kids back on schedule. They go to bed between 8-9pm, and they get up between 8-9 am.. I get up at 7 every morning and I try to get stuff done.. Even if its doing dishes, taking a shower, stuff like that.. It helps..
Josh and I are getting along.
ANNND I'm starting to pick out paint colors for the house. I can't stand the blah beige... Kadyn has put hand prints all over EVERY wall.. You try to wipe it off, and the paint comes off! The people that lived here before us were a little crazy. They painted the entire house blue.. One floor was navy blue, so when that shows through.. ugh...Hopefully it'll warm up soon so I can get some painting done!

Kadyn - Scares the daylights out of me. She's going through this phase where she thinks she can do ANYTHING. She climbs whatever she can & its really making me nervous. Ok.. I haven't told anybody about this because I feel like a terrible parent... Here goes... We moved our dresser recently.. It's not a huge dresser, its just a tall dresser with no mirror and 5 drawers..Its up to my chest and I'm 5ft 8".. I did something that I'm pissed at myself about.. I forgot to secure the damn dresser. Yesterday, I was standing in the bathroom.. I look over and see Kadyn hanging from the top handle on the dresser. I yell "Get..." and before I could say "down".. It was over.. I couldn't see her.. She was screaming, I ran and slid down next to her.. Grabbed the dresser and lifted it off of her.. I had the dresser up with one hand (idk) and with the other, I pulled her into my lap.. I pushed the dresser up against the wall and cradled my child. I was terrified to look down. My mind was racing.. "You know what to do right now.. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.. stay CALM!".. I just KNEW that she had broken something. My daughter was completely under the damn dresser. I had it off of her within 5 seconds of it falling, but still.. I calmed her down and looked her over... NOTHING.. nothing!!! Her finger was a little swollen, but other than that.. NOTHING!!! I don't know how that was even possible. She doesn't even have a bruise! I went back to the dresser to pick it up, and I couldn't. It was way too heavy and it just wasn't happening. I don't know how I lifted it off of her so quickly, maybe it was mama adrenaline.... I was shaking afterwards and today my back is hurting. I burst into tears when I think about it.. My child could have been seriously hurt, even killed..
She started playing with her toys about 20-30 minutes later... I sat on the floor in the hall, watched her, and cried. I slept next to her and just held her last night.
It was TERRIFYING.. I remember sliding down next to her and I thought "PLEASE let me be able to pick this up.. "... What if I couldn't pick it up? What if I was in the other room? I won't let her out of my sight now.. I feel absolutely sick.. I don't know if I can forgive myself...

Anyways..
Weston turned 7 months old today. He's an ACTIVE little boy lately!! He is ALL hands!!! I don't know what I'm going to do if I have another daredevil. He's trying to stand up and I'm just not ready for that.. I need him to stay my baby a little longer. The baby stage is SO MUCH EASIER than having a toddler.. I'm really afraid of the toddler stage.. Kadyn has been a hand full.. Hopefully he's like his dad, not like me.

Something else that happened to me recently..
I went to get my hair cut last week. The lady curled my hair when she was done. I thought that was odd, went home and fixed it. I looked in the mirror afterwards and was HORRIFIED. One side was WAY longer than the other. I was SOOOO pissed off..
I called and told them what happened, then told them there was NO WAY IN HELL they were touching me again.. That I would just go get it fixed by somebody that knew wtf they were doing.
I get to the other salon and the stylist is telling me "This woman shouldnt' have a license.. Its chopped up.. This is really bad... I don't know what to do.."
Me - "I don't care if you have to cut it off, just make it even.."
Her response - "I HAVE to cut it off.. There's no other option.."
Great...
I got home (with short hair) and threw stuff.. lol..
The next day, I check my bank account.. I notice that the shitty salon had charged me TWICE for a BAD haircut. I called them and raised hell again. "No we didn't.." I had Josh print out the bank statement and I took it to them.. He asked if he could go b/c he didnt want me to hurt somebody.. lol.. I didn't..
They tried to gang up on me.. I can be a bulldozer when I'm mad though.. Needless to say, they refunded the money and keep calling to apologize.. I wasn't going to be pushed around when they were FLAT OUT WRONG.

Well, Weston is grabbing at the computer (he woke up.. yay) soooo UNTIL NEXT TIME!

Identity crisis, 6 months, stubborn girly!

Its been too long, sorry.
Everything here is starting to look up.
I went through a little mental crisis, but I think I'm ok now.

Wes is 6 months old!!!!
I can't believe it..
A few weeks ago, he was almost 19 lbs and 24'ish inches long!
He started to sit up about a week ago. He refuses to lay back at all any more, and wants to do everything.. He loves to sit on the floor and play with his (and his sisters) toys..
Favorite food lately is ... PEAS!!! Crazy..
OHHHH.. I noticed 2 little white bumps on his lower gums a few days ago!
His personality has blossomed lately, I love it. He's exactly like his dad..
He barely ever gets upset, but when he does.. wow.. He never gives us any warning that something is wrong.. He goes from 0-60.. "Im great" to "OMG HELP!" .. There's no in between with him.
He's not as snuggly as Kadyn was. He'd much rather just play on the floor next to your feet.
He loves his sister more than anything, but he can't stand it when she gets too close to his face.
He's just a happy, calm, sweet little boy.

Kadyn
We're still struggling with her.
She's me.. stubborn...
The potty training this has been horrible. I don't know what else to possibly do!
I'm trying to just let her be.. I know she'll do it in her time.. She's been that way with everything else.. When she decides to do something, she does it and never looks back... Nobody can push her to do anything. (me)
Her being like me is scary sometimes. I don't want her to struggle like I have. I have a hard time just being myself, and I don't want that for her. I remember people laughing when I said "I hope she's like her dad.." when I was pregnant... I really meant it!
I love her with everything I have though.. She's SO smart.. She picks stuff up that you didn't even know she heard. She amazes me every single day. Kadyn has always been the type that LOVES to learn, and I love that about her. I hope she embraces her intelligence, I didn't. I know she'll do extremely well in school, we just need to get rid of the diapers!! They're holding her back in so many ways.
I love watching her "mother" her brother. She checks on him, makes sure he's happy, gets him toys, helps to feed him.. She's an awesome big sister!

Josh
We had a rough patch, but its better. I was having a really hard time with life, and I pushed him away.. Far away.. I'm trying to fix it though.. We sat down 2 days ago and really talked things through. He told me that he "sort of" resented me for not working, but wanted me to stay home with the kids. He said he knew it made no sense, but he couldn't help it. I explained that it was NEVER my intention to stay home after the kids started school. We talked about MY future. I'm going to start looking for a school.. I need to figure out what I want to do though. I'm having a hard time with that. He said he'd be happy to pay for whatever I wanted to do, and had no clue that I wanted to even work... We'll see how that goes..
He surprised me with a new phone yesterday! He really does care, and I need to stop being such a shit... lol..

Me - I've been a hot mess. I have moments where I panic about being so settled.. Well, that moment lasted a lot longer than I wanted it to. I feel like I've lost a lot of my identity. Ive pin-pointed what I need to do to fix it though, and I'm working on it. I'm going to be taking a LITTLE bit of myself back. I refuse to let my children be affected by it though. They don't need to be involved in mommy's identity crisis. They haven't done anything wrong, and I will continue to be the mom that I've been.
I also made a doctor's appointment. My side has been hurting (another reason I freaked out) and my panic attacks are in full force. I need to get straightened out again, and I've admitted that I can't do it all by myself.
I think school will help.. Right now, I think I'll be doing the billing and coding program.. It'll add to my medical background, help me pay for school, and give me something to fall back on if I need it. I WANT a degree though, more than I've wanted anything *in a long time*.. Nobody thinks I can do it.. Screw that though.. I think people forget how driven I can be.