Very VERY bad day.

Something happened yesterday that terrifies me.

I was at the store with the kids.. I was feeling fine..
I usually start on one side of the store and move my way over to the milk/cheese.. Well, one aisle before I got there, I started to have a stomach ache.. I knew things were going South, so I skipped everything else and went to check out. At the check out, I started to cold sweat and every second felt like 10 minutes.. "I'll be fine.. I'll drink something and sit down when I get out of here.."
I sat on the back of the car with the kids and drank some apple juice.. Things got worse...
Everything started spinning.. I shoved the rest of the groceries into the car, fumbled my way through buckling the kids, and sat in the front seat... I pointed the AC towards my face and things got a little better... My stomach still felt as though I was being punched.... I didn't know if I should stay that way, or head for home.. Nobody could come get me, so I decided to drive home.. The store is literally 2 minutes away from my house.. I went 30-40 all the way home and parked in our drive way.. I didn't know how bad things were at the time, but I shouldn't have driven. THAT was not responsible at all. Anyways, I sat there for a minute waiting for my phone to turn on. I couldn't really feel my legs after I parked. My phone was taking too long and things got really blurry again.. I got up and went to get Josh.. I saw him coming out already.. I got out of the car and tried to go up the stairs (he was getting the kids).. I collapsed on our front steps.. He put the kids inside and helped me get into the bathroom. I blacked out.. I couldn't speak.. I couldn't sit up.. I couldnt do anything.. I was in so much pain and the only thing I could say was "help me".. He was standing over me, yelling "HOW!? tell me what to do!".. I was drenched in sweat and passed out every minute or so, for about 5 seconds.. I told him that he needed to call 911... (I've never in my LIFE had to do that).. He went to get his phone.. He stood there for a minute and I was able to sit up.. I said nevermind (I'm extremely hard headed when it comes to the hospital).. He was still wanting to call... He helped me upstairs and I laid on the bed.. I had stopped blacking out, but I still couldn't really talk and felt limp.. He got me water, pain pills, and an ice pack. I laid in the bed and cried.. I didn't know what was going on...

My children tried to grab me while I was in the bathroom.. They both kept grabbing at my shirt, and Kadyn was screaming "Mommy!!"... I pushed them out and shut the door.. "No.. no.. its ok.. " is all I could get out.. Josh took them to the other side of the house..

He brought them upstairs after things calmed down.  Kadyn barely touched me and told me she loved me.. Weston had fallen asleep, so Josh put him down next to me..
I stayed there for a few hours.
I told Josh that if it looked like it was going to happen again, to go ahead and call the paramedics.. But until then, I just needed rest..

Josh has distanced himself from me. He was very snappy, and didn't really talk to me after all of that happened.. He doesn't want to go near me.. I've been broken up with before because of this stuff, so its REALLY bothering me that he's handling it like this..

You might think I'm insane for not calling them immediately..
This has happened to me before.. NOT to this severity.. But this has happened.. In 12th grade.. I almost blacked out in health science.. My parents talked with my teachers, doctors, and the principle that afternoon and then pulled me out of school.. I wasn't allowed to see friends or go to the senior ANYTHING.. I was allowed a "free pass" by my doctor to go to the prom..

My parents rushed me to the doctor when this happened to me then, and nobody could give them any answers.. We did every test under the sun and NOTHING..  I was scanned, poked, and they shoved a camera down my throat twice.. Nothing.. They kept dragging me to every doctor they could think of and nobody could help me.. I finally begged them to just let me be.. I couldn't take any more..

If it wasn't for that, then I would have gone to the hospital yesterday..
I'm still going to the doctor today..
Im printing this out and showing it to them. I'm not good at talking about this stuff..
When I told Kimberly last night, I could barely get it out.. I dont know why.. But I'm ashamed that this stuff happens to me.. I'm afraid people are going to think I'm making it up..

I wish I was making it up.

I'm not leaving the house for a while.
I've given Josh my drivers license and told him not let me drive until things get better.. IF that takes months, then so be it.. I feel so bad for driving yesterday..
I will not be going out alone again for a long time... Not going out alone with the kids for a VERY long time.. I dont trust myself any more. (Very bad feeling)
I dont really want to be alone at all.
I want to call my mom and beg her to come be with me.. I can't do that though.. She has her own life.


Maybe one day we'll figure this out..
I keep hoping..