Storms make trees take deeper roots.

Where do I even go from here?

A few weeks ago, Josh TEXTS me that he wanted a divorce.. that he didn't love me, didn't want to fix things and that it was over no matter what I did... I was in Georgia...
I went through a huge panic, depression, but I finally started to accept it.. I started working on a new life..
THEN he changed his mind..
I took a few days to myself and then made the drive back to Virginia..
He doesn't want to talk about it, and its still too painful for me to talk about. How can you take back "I don't  love you"??? What can you even say about that?
I thought I lost it all.. I thought I was going to have to start over, and then *poof*.. "never-mind"
I feel so shaky..
I can't feel secure at all.. I can't trust... I can't relax... I'm waiting for him to change his mind again.. I'm waiting for it all to fall apart again.. I'm desperately trying not to think about that conversation.. It makes my stomach hurt... I'm trying so hard to forgive... I just keep thinking "How could you?"... I guess I'll never understand.. but I have to get past it..

While picturing life without him, I looked at who I wanted to be...
It wasn't who I am..
So.. I'm changing that..
School is happening... I want to BE something.. I also can't depend on anybody..
I'm giving us a chance, but I'm also working on ME..
If he's with me or not, I want to be happy with myself.. I haven't given myself a second thought in SO long.. I haven't worried about my happiness in forever... That's changing..
The changes I want to make sound exhausting, but I know it'll be worth it.. I'm worth it...
My way of thinking changed after he said what he did.. It had to..
I need to take back some of myself.. I'm tired of needing help.. I want to be able to help MYSELF if I need to..

Struggling

Everything sucks..

I feel like I'm drowning.. Like everything I love is pulling me under..

Loving someone with PTSD is exhausting in every way.
I have to worry about noise level, his anxiety, keeping him calm in crowds, controlling his surroundings as much as possible.. I could go on... Sometimes I don't want to do any of it.
I feel like I'm too young to be so weighed down.. I want to run away from all of it..
I can't talk it out with him.. It triggers too much.. I just keep it to myself, and its eating me alive!
 Most of the time, he doesn't want me to even exist.

I have two children to raise.. A lot of it is being done alone because of his anxiety..
I feel like going back to school.. finishing up my LPN stuff... and actually doing this ALONE...
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders already.. 2 mortgages, 2 kids, and one difficult  relationship..
I have so many people that NEED me.. I don't feel like an equal.. I feel like a therapist..
When I want to break down.. I keep saying "The future me is going to be an unbreakable bad-ass!.. You can do this.. It'll make you stronger.."
IDK though..  I thought that about being around my dad.. All that got me? an endless supply of xanax and a large therapy bill...

I don't know what I want..
But this isn't it..
I feel like there is so much out there.. But I'm so STUCK..

I had another episode the other day..
Scared the daylights out of me.. I honestly thought I was going to have to call an ambulance for myself.. I was in so much pain.. I called Josh and asked him to please come home.. I do not have anyone up here.. He never showed up... The doctors keep telling me to rest.. YEAAA right..  I thought I was gonna die for a few minutes, and it makes you wonder! "WHY am I wasting my life? .. Im too young to be this unhappy..."

Something just needs to change..
Location
Job
Relationship *status*
SOMETHING.. I can't be everything any more..

Christmas, Family Visit, and Back Issues.

Its been a while!

Weston
Wes is 18 months old! He's growing up so fast!!
He can say about 40 words, and has started to put together small sentences.
His favorite sentence is - "I cant reach!!!"
Or "Uh oh, it broke.."
He's a polite kid.. He says "thank you", "please", "sorry" and "excuse me".. Gotta teach them early!
He says "I love you"!!!!! It melts my heart every time he says it.
Right now, we're going through his third ear infection.. It's his left ear.. again... Its not that he gets them often, its that they stay FOREVER.. It took 2 weeks of antibiotics to get rid of the last one. We're on day 5 of meds.. I THINK he's feeling better... He never fusses, so its hard to tell.
He is one laid back kid.. Weston is the happiest child I've ever met! I keep waiting for him to throw this huge tantrum, or pick up some awful habit.. but it hasn't happened yet.. He's just a sweetheart!
Some things about Wes -
Favorite toy - "night night baby" aka glow worm
Favorite food - He LOVES avacado and pickles. (Not together.. most of the time)
Favorite piece of clothing - His sleepers! He LOVES his footie PJs
Favorite show/book - Both of my kids are obsessed with rescue-bots. We've watched season 1 and 2 at LEAST 3 times. Favorite book.. hmm.. He loves anything by Dr. Suess..  I hear "read book" at least 2-3 times a day. We end every day by reading 3 stories.
Weston LOVES to dance.. If there's a beat, he'll dance to it.. He is too funny! Every time I pull out my phone to take a video of it though, he stops.. laaaame!
Watching his little personality develop is so much fun.

Kadyn -
Kadyn is so much like me.. We've been struggling with some behavioral issues lately..
The hard thing though, is that she's not really WRONG..
I'll fuss at Weston and Kadyn will try to jump in the middle of it and stand up for him.
I know she's trying to defend her brother.. but ugh..
She stands up for ANYBODY who she thinks is being picked on.
That got me in some trouble as a kid.. I did the same thing for my sister.. I've had my butt kicked up and down because of it. I try to explain to her that sometimes when somebody does something wrong, the only way they'll learn not to do it again is if they are corrected.
She's a little firecracker... seriously..
The good things -
We have potty training DOWN PAT. Struggling with that made me worry like crazy.. Its such a relief that she is 100% potty trained.
She learned how to change her own clothes. She gets to mad if I try to help.. "Me me me!!"
She also learned how to do small things like - Get her own drink, get her own snack from the pantry, put her socks and shoes on, turn lights off when she's leaving the room..
She's so smart.. She knows how to say her ABC's backwards.. No joke..  She can also count to 150..
I'm excited (and sad) about her started school this year.. I feel like I'm not challenging her enough here. She already knows most of what I can teach her for now.. "Mom, that is a parallelogram" ... Woa..

Marriage - 

Good.. Stable.. I didn't think we'd survive a visit from his family, but we did! lol

The beard... I wish it would go!!
 

Josh took Kadyn on her first daddy-daughter date. They went to see her first movie.. Big Hero.. She behaved and LOVED it.. I was kinda sad that I missed a "first" but I got to stay home and play with Wes! We have been trying to do more one-on-one time with the kids.

Me -
I'm a damn mess...
On Christmas day, I went to pick up Kadyn and my back did something crazy.. It felt like fireworks were going off in my lower back. I tried to ignore it, thinking I just pulled a muscle.
Friday I went to the doctor.. I couldn't handle the pain any more.. It has been making me snappy..
The doctor looked at it, felt my back, and told it it looked like the muscles were inflamed. (Idk)
He sent me to the hospital to be checked out.
They did some x-rays and all that..
The nurse said that the doctor at the hospital wanted to talk to my family doctor before really talking to me. I thought that was strange, but I'm trying to stay calm about all of it.
I'm hoping by "doctor" she means radiologist. because in that case.. that's normal!
My internist gave me muscle relaxers. an anti-inflammatory pill and told me he wanted me to start physical therapy ASAP.. IDK.. We'll see.. Its hard with 2 kids!
I just keep hoping that I'll wake up, and everything will feel better... maybe?
I also have a monster cold.. Which makes everything ache a little more than normal.. I'm keeping that in mind..
I just want to feel better!!

Other stuff

My mom came up for thanksgiving.. We also did Christmas while she was here. I miss her! =(

Josh's dad came up. This is Phil, Josh's best friend, Josh's dad, and Josh.
They love monopoly.. *cringe*
Josh's brother and his family also came up.. Not really much I can say about that.

Christmas Morning 2014