Struggling

Everything sucks..

I feel like I'm drowning.. Like everything I love is pulling me under..

Loving someone with PTSD is exhausting in every way.
I have to worry about noise level, his anxiety, keeping him calm in crowds, controlling his surroundings as much as possible.. I could go on... Sometimes I don't want to do any of it.
I feel like I'm too young to be so weighed down.. I want to run away from all of it..
I can't talk it out with him.. It triggers too much.. I just keep it to myself, and its eating me alive!
 Most of the time, he doesn't want me to even exist.

I have two children to raise.. A lot of it is being done alone because of his anxiety..
I feel like going back to school.. finishing up my LPN stuff... and actually doing this ALONE...
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders already.. 2 mortgages, 2 kids, and one difficult  relationship..
I have so many people that NEED me.. I don't feel like an equal.. I feel like a therapist..
When I want to break down.. I keep saying "The future me is going to be an unbreakable bad-ass!.. You can do this.. It'll make you stronger.."
IDK though..  I thought that about being around my dad.. All that got me? an endless supply of xanax and a large therapy bill...

I don't know what I want..
But this isn't it..
I feel like there is so much out there.. But I'm so STUCK..

I had another episode the other day..
Scared the daylights out of me.. I honestly thought I was going to have to call an ambulance for myself.. I was in so much pain.. I called Josh and asked him to please come home.. I do not have anyone up here.. He never showed up... The doctors keep telling me to rest.. YEAAA right..  I thought I was gonna die for a few minutes, and it makes you wonder! "WHY am I wasting my life? .. Im too young to be this unhappy..."

Something just needs to change..
Location
Job
Relationship *status*
SOMETHING.. I can't be everything any more..