Where do I even go from here?
A few weeks ago, Josh TEXTS me that he wanted a divorce.. that he didn't love me, didn't want to fix things and that it was over no matter what I did... I was in Georgia...
I went through a huge panic, depression, but I finally started to accept it.. I started working on a new life..
THEN he changed his mind..
I took a few days to myself and then made the drive back to Virginia..
He doesn't want to talk about it, and its still too painful for me to talk about. How can you take back "I don't love you"??? What can you even say about that?
I thought I lost it all.. I thought I was going to have to start over, and then *poof*.. "never-mind"
I feel so shaky..
I can't feel secure at all.. I can't trust... I can't relax... I'm waiting for him to change his mind again.. I'm waiting for it all to fall apart again.. I'm desperately trying not to think about that conversation.. It makes my stomach hurt... I'm trying so hard to forgive... I just keep thinking "How could you?"... I guess I'll never understand.. but I have to get past it..
While picturing life without him, I looked at who I wanted to be...
It wasn't who I am..
So.. I'm changing that..
School is happening... I want to BE something.. I also can't depend on anybody..
I'm giving us a chance, but I'm also working on ME..
If he's with me or not, I want to be happy with myself.. I haven't given myself a second thought in SO long.. I haven't worried about my happiness in forever... That's changing..
The changes I want to make sound exhausting, but I know it'll be worth it.. I'm worth it...
My way of thinking changed after he said what he did.. It had to..
I need to take back some of myself.. I'm tired of needing help.. I want to be able to help MYSELF if I need to..
