Progress

Progress on the house.

dining room

This is the color of the kitchen, and formal living room space.. Its just an odd layout.. 

The office.. That desk is gone, he has a MUCH nicer one now.. 

Huge chalkboard wall... It wraps around to the pantry, and goes to where the stairs starts.. 

The color of Kadyns room.. She also got a new bed..

Half-bath

Dining room with everything in there.. SOME day, when the kids are less destructive.. Ill get a nice table.. lol

The color of the kids bathroom, and my very strange cat.. 

Outside

Ive also tried to make some changes to myself lately..
I scheduled my first counseling session for next Friday.. Ive been to counselors before, just not up here..
Its been about 5 years since the last time I went.
My decision wasnt really supported, but O well.. I need to do something..
I'm important too.. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I need to figure something out..

Sometimes I honestly feel like I can't breathe.

Spent yesterday dealing with Josh's migraine.. Took him to urgent care for help because it was so bad..
It wouldn't be so scary  if he hadn't had brain surgery in 2009.
In '09, he lost feeling in his hands and feet. I was 5 months pregnant with Kadyn when they did a scan of his brain, and determined that he had chiari malformation.. I was 26.5 weeks pregnant when they operated on him. It was one of the scariest days of my life.. I've been scared of something going wrong ever since.. I have so much to lose..

Sometimes I don't think I can handle it all...
PTSD, anxiety, brain issues...
On top of having 2 children, its a lot to deal with..

I need to do something for myself..
I need to find an outlet..
I don't have family or friends here.. Most of the friends I have in general, suck....
Maybe counseling again?
They always tell me "connect with your creative side.. use it as stress relief.."
Ya know, that might work.. IF I didn't have 2 kids who never freaking sleep.. One of them is CONSTANTLY needing me.. I need to figure something out...
I feel like I'm gonna explode.. Not good..

BTW, I dont think anybody reads this.. but IF so.. and you feel the need to talk about me... complain about me.. express concern, whatever.. DO NOT go to my family about me.. DO NOT.. Its cowardly.. I have ABSOLUTELY no respect for anybody who does that... You can contact ME.. I had somebody go to my sister about an issue recently.. Not only did it create issues within the family (I no longer want to talk to my sister.. last straw kinda thing.. ).. It just pissed me off..  My sister is probably the worst person to come to anyways.. Yes, we're civil.. I only do that for my mom... She has never cared and she barely knows me.. Be an adult and talk to me about any issue that you have with ME..
Thanks

Life has been a little hectic lately..

I want to complain.
I just signed for a $9,000 AC & heating overhaul..
Our AC died yesterday..  for good..
As much as I want to yell, kick, throw things, curse the world...  I'm not..
I'm thankful.. Why? Because I have the means to replace the broken AC..
I have a house to put it in.. I'm lucky..

It wouldn't be so scary if we didn't sign on a $10,000 deck project a few days before the AC went out.
Im nervous.. but still... thankful..
It's all gonna be ok..
Deep breaths..
Grown up problems...

Things have just been extremely hectic around here. Im trying to keep my head up and stay positive..
The last 4 weeks have been.. interesting...
4 weeks ago, my husband was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety disorder.. I'll always be there for him.. I've stuck around through a deployment, brain surgery, 4 moves, and I'll be here for him through this.. It tears me apart sometimes, but it's not about ME..
2 weeks ago, my father had a heart attack.. I would have stayed in VA and just dealt with it the way I did when he had his stroke, but he decided to bring my grandpa down from Charleston to watch his new kids.. THAT almost made ME have a heart attack.. I'll still never understand that decision.. I was worried sick, so I drove down to SC to make sure everything was ok..  Everybody else in my family runs for the hills when my dad enters the picture... I refuse to... I was nervous being around him, but I was more worried about grandpa than anything..  I did what I could to check on him.. I spoke with EVERYONE about his well-being.. I must have sounded like a damn detective.. lol... You could see it annoyed the hell out of my dad that I was more concerned about my grand dad... We haven't had a good relationship since 2011'ish..  I don't see it getting better, but I'm at peace with that. I've tried for YEARS .. You can only try for so long though.. Every time I got him into a good place, he destroyed it.. I would push him to find a stable home, make sure he had the furniture and food that he needed, get him to start taking care of himself a little better, and he would ruin it EVERY TIME by letting some woman take over his life.. He's better off alone.. I'm done trying to help  him though..
1 week ago, we started having problems with the AC...
Now, they're going to be cutting a hole in my ceiling, replacing some pipes, and then construction on the deck starts in September.. I need a minute.. lol!!

I'm trying to have faith..
Its all gonna work out for the best..
Everything WILL come together.

Not having to deal with it..

What I'm slowly realizing..

I don't have to put up with rudeness...
For YEARS, I've just dealt with it.. I grew up around some MEAN people... I married one the first go 'round.. I watched adults throwing tantrums in public, and just tolerated all of the disgusting behavior.
I thought it was just something you had to put up with.. That everybody had to just suck it up and deal with their designated jerks.
No..

I have a mean side too. I CHOOSE to be nice to people.. I CHOOSE to not hurt feelings.. I CHOOSE to say kind things when I can.. I CHOOSE to overlook certain things, because I know saying something would just do more harm than good.. I know when to control my mean side.. It's sad that so many people don't get that..  Some people think I'm dumb because I don't argue..
Some people think I'm weak because I don't immediately jump all over others.
That I'm too "easy" because I try to listen to both sides..
That I "like being hurt" because I give the person who hurt me, a chance to explain and redeem themselves.
Some don't like me.. but I would hate to be any other way..

July 15th... Part of the story..

5 years.
Tomorrow makes 5 years..
I remember it as if it was yesterday.
My heart aches just as badly..
5 years ago.. My husband was deployed.. I had moved back in with my mom in SC.. The baby was due before Josh was to be back.. I was thrilled, terrified.. but thrilled..
I had my first appointment in SC on July 15th.. Little did I know, that day would change my life forever.
I woke up at 7am, beyond excited to see our baby at 8:30am.. My husband was gone, so any small happy moment meant the world to me..
On the way to MUSC, I told my mom .. "I feel alone.. " ... I think I just knew..
She told me that it was probably just deployment funk, and that the ultrasound would cheer me up.
I remember sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by pregnant moms, stork paintings, and parenting magazines with smiling babies on the covers. I kept thinking "I can't believe it.. I get to be here... "
The ultrasound tech called me back, and started the exam.
I was so excited.. Until.. The look on her face changed..
"Um... lets try this... turn to your side... now.. hold your breath... um... turn again.. hmm... hold your breath again.. "
I sat nervously, no PROBLEM holding my breath..
She finally paused and touched my shoulder.. "Honey.. I need to go get a doctor.."
Panic.
The doctor came in and looked at the screen.. "Be right back.."
2 doctors came in..
Looked at the screen.. "I hate to tell you this.. There is no heartbeat.. Your baby has passed away.. "
I told them there was NO way.. I had JUST seen the baby squirming, kicking, and waving.. I JUST had a normal ultrasound 8-9 days before that..  They told me the baby measured correctly, so it had most likely JUST happened.. They showed me the babys head, arms, legs, hands, feet, and then pointed to the chest.. "See.. Nothing.. I'm so sorry.. "
The room started spinning..
Mom started crying..
My whole world came crashing down..
I had to tell my deployed husband that our baby was gone.
I called the family help line.. They tried to contact his command with no luck..  We then contacted the red cross.. The lady who was in charge of helping the families got a call back.. She got hold of his command..They said they'd try to get Josh, and sent a chaplin to speak with him..
At about 10am.. Josh messaged me.. I told him to call me immediately and that something had happened.
He called, I told him, and we both cried. Nobody had told him yet. I felt overwhelming guilt.
It must have been my fault.. Right before he got on "the bus" to deploy, he touched my belly and said "You dont worry about me, you worry about this... Take care of yourself and our baby.."
I cried all the way home
All night long
and for the 4 days after..
On July 19th, they scheduled me for surgery.. I was told that a D&C was my only option..
I was 11 weeks 1 day..  "You're too far along to do this at home. You'll just end up right back here, and you could lose your life." As if I wasn't scared enough..
I agreed to it..
The surgery was horrible and I suffered complications.
I was heartbroken, my body hurt, and I was lost.
I couldn't walk for two weeks, not like it mattered.
The doctors had me on so much medication, that I was barely awake.
The next few months were a blur.. Medication, sleep, counseling, and tears.
I got "at least it was early" or "everything happens for a reason".. Really!?
I disappeared from the face of the earth for a while.. I couldn't handle people..
People still asked me when my due date was..
People still congratulated me on the baby..
Everyone's life was going on like normal.. mine wasn't..
Nothing would ever be "normal" again.

5 years later, I still hurt.
When the thought crosses my mind, it stops me in my tracks.
I look at the ultrasound pictures on my dresser and wonder what if..
The ache has never gone away.. Probably never will..
Just because I have 2 children that I've been able to hold.. doesn't make it better..
The hole in my heart will always be there.
July 15th was the worst day of my life.
This year has hurt worse than the others for some reason, and its only the 14th.

Small silver lining?
I've tried to bring SOME good out of it.. Not for myself though..
Even though its extremely hard to do.. I put myself out there as support to other angel moms..
Telling them what to expect after they hear the horrible words "no heartbeat" ..
Even though it brings back every terrible feeling, I will always do what I can to honor my angel..
Whether it be answering a 2am phone call from some random friend-of-a-friend who has lost her tiny baby and can't stop crying..  Or sharing my story over and over, so that a new angel mom doesn't feel alone.. I'm trying..

I'll always remember.
and no..
Ill never get over it..