July 15th... Part of the story..

5 years.
Tomorrow makes 5 years..
I remember it as if it was yesterday.
My heart aches just as badly..
5 years ago.. My husband was deployed.. I had moved back in with my mom in SC.. The baby was due before Josh was to be back.. I was thrilled, terrified.. but thrilled..
I had my first appointment in SC on July 15th.. Little did I know, that day would change my life forever.
I woke up at 7am, beyond excited to see our baby at 8:30am.. My husband was gone, so any small happy moment meant the world to me..
On the way to MUSC, I told my mom .. "I feel alone.. " ... I think I just knew..
She told me that it was probably just deployment funk, and that the ultrasound would cheer me up.
I remember sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by pregnant moms, stork paintings, and parenting magazines with smiling babies on the covers. I kept thinking "I can't believe it.. I get to be here... "
The ultrasound tech called me back, and started the exam.
I was so excited.. Until.. The look on her face changed..
"Um... lets try this... turn to your side... now.. hold your breath... um... turn again.. hmm... hold your breath again.. "
I sat nervously, no PROBLEM holding my breath..
She finally paused and touched my shoulder.. "Honey.. I need to go get a doctor.."
Panic.
The doctor came in and looked at the screen.. "Be right back.."
2 doctors came in..
Looked at the screen.. "I hate to tell you this.. There is no heartbeat.. Your baby has passed away.. "
I told them there was NO way.. I had JUST seen the baby squirming, kicking, and waving.. I JUST had a normal ultrasound 8-9 days before that..  They told me the baby measured correctly, so it had most likely JUST happened.. They showed me the babys head, arms, legs, hands, feet, and then pointed to the chest.. "See.. Nothing.. I'm so sorry.. "
The room started spinning..
Mom started crying..
My whole world came crashing down..
I had to tell my deployed husband that our baby was gone.
I called the family help line.. They tried to contact his command with no luck..  We then contacted the red cross.. The lady who was in charge of helping the families got a call back.. She got hold of his command..They said they'd try to get Josh, and sent a chaplin to speak with him..
At about 10am.. Josh messaged me.. I told him to call me immediately and that something had happened.
He called, I told him, and we both cried. Nobody had told him yet. I felt overwhelming guilt.
It must have been my fault.. Right before he got on "the bus" to deploy, he touched my belly and said "You dont worry about me, you worry about this... Take care of yourself and our baby.."
I cried all the way home
All night long
and for the 4 days after..
On July 19th, they scheduled me for surgery.. I was told that a D&C was my only option..
I was 11 weeks 1 day..  "You're too far along to do this at home. You'll just end up right back here, and you could lose your life." As if I wasn't scared enough..
I agreed to it..
The surgery was horrible and I suffered complications.
I was heartbroken, my body hurt, and I was lost.
I couldn't walk for two weeks, not like it mattered.
The doctors had me on so much medication, that I was barely awake.
The next few months were a blur.. Medication, sleep, counseling, and tears.
I got "at least it was early" or "everything happens for a reason".. Really!?
I disappeared from the face of the earth for a while.. I couldn't handle people..
People still asked me when my due date was..
People still congratulated me on the baby..
Everyone's life was going on like normal.. mine wasn't..
Nothing would ever be "normal" again.

5 years later, I still hurt.
When the thought crosses my mind, it stops me in my tracks.
I look at the ultrasound pictures on my dresser and wonder what if..
The ache has never gone away.. Probably never will..
Just because I have 2 children that I've been able to hold.. doesn't make it better..
The hole in my heart will always be there.
July 15th was the worst day of my life.
This year has hurt worse than the others for some reason, and its only the 14th.

Small silver lining?
I've tried to bring SOME good out of it.. Not for myself though..
Even though its extremely hard to do.. I put myself out there as support to other angel moms..
Telling them what to expect after they hear the horrible words "no heartbeat" ..
Even though it brings back every terrible feeling, I will always do what I can to honor my angel..
Whether it be answering a 2am phone call from some random friend-of-a-friend who has lost her tiny baby and can't stop crying..  Or sharing my story over and over, so that a new angel mom doesn't feel alone.. I'm trying..

I'll always remember.
and no..
Ill never get over it..