Storms make trees take deeper roots.

Where do I even go from here?

A few weeks ago, Josh TEXTS me that he wanted a divorce.. that he didn't love me, didn't want to fix things and that it was over no matter what I did... I was in Georgia...
I went through a huge panic, depression, but I finally started to accept it.. I started working on a new life..
THEN he changed his mind..
I took a few days to myself and then made the drive back to Virginia..
He doesn't want to talk about it, and its still too painful for me to talk about. How can you take back "I don't  love you"??? What can you even say about that?
I thought I lost it all.. I thought I was going to have to start over, and then *poof*.. "never-mind"
I feel so shaky..
I can't feel secure at all.. I can't trust... I can't relax... I'm waiting for him to change his mind again.. I'm waiting for it all to fall apart again.. I'm desperately trying not to think about that conversation.. It makes my stomach hurt... I'm trying so hard to forgive... I just keep thinking "How could you?"... I guess I'll never understand.. but I have to get past it..

While picturing life without him, I looked at who I wanted to be...
It wasn't who I am..
So.. I'm changing that..
School is happening... I want to BE something.. I also can't depend on anybody..
I'm giving us a chance, but I'm also working on ME..
If he's with me or not, I want to be happy with myself.. I haven't given myself a second thought in SO long.. I haven't worried about my happiness in forever... That's changing..
The changes I want to make sound exhausting, but I know it'll be worth it.. I'm worth it...
My way of thinking changed after he said what he did.. It had to..
I need to take back some of myself.. I'm tired of needing help.. I want to be able to help MYSELF if I need to..

Struggling

Everything sucks..

I feel like I'm drowning.. Like everything I love is pulling me under..

Loving someone with PTSD is exhausting in every way.
I have to worry about noise level, his anxiety, keeping him calm in crowds, controlling his surroundings as much as possible.. I could go on... Sometimes I don't want to do any of it.
I feel like I'm too young to be so weighed down.. I want to run away from all of it..
I can't talk it out with him.. It triggers too much.. I just keep it to myself, and its eating me alive!
 Most of the time, he doesn't want me to even exist.

I have two children to raise.. A lot of it is being done alone because of his anxiety..
I feel like going back to school.. finishing up my LPN stuff... and actually doing this ALONE...
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders already.. 2 mortgages, 2 kids, and one difficult  relationship..
I have so many people that NEED me.. I don't feel like an equal.. I feel like a therapist..
When I want to break down.. I keep saying "The future me is going to be an unbreakable bad-ass!.. You can do this.. It'll make you stronger.."
IDK though..  I thought that about being around my dad.. All that got me? an endless supply of xanax and a large therapy bill...

I don't know what I want..
But this isn't it..
I feel like there is so much out there.. But I'm so STUCK..

I had another episode the other day..
Scared the daylights out of me.. I honestly thought I was going to have to call an ambulance for myself.. I was in so much pain.. I called Josh and asked him to please come home.. I do not have anyone up here.. He never showed up... The doctors keep telling me to rest.. YEAAA right..  I thought I was gonna die for a few minutes, and it makes you wonder! "WHY am I wasting my life? .. Im too young to be this unhappy..."

Something just needs to change..
Location
Job
Relationship *status*
SOMETHING.. I can't be everything any more..

Christmas, Family Visit, and Back Issues.

Its been a while!

Weston
Wes is 18 months old! He's growing up so fast!!
He can say about 40 words, and has started to put together small sentences.
His favorite sentence is - "I cant reach!!!"
Or "Uh oh, it broke.."
He's a polite kid.. He says "thank you", "please", "sorry" and "excuse me".. Gotta teach them early!
He says "I love you"!!!!! It melts my heart every time he says it.
Right now, we're going through his third ear infection.. It's his left ear.. again... Its not that he gets them often, its that they stay FOREVER.. It took 2 weeks of antibiotics to get rid of the last one. We're on day 5 of meds.. I THINK he's feeling better... He never fusses, so its hard to tell.
He is one laid back kid.. Weston is the happiest child I've ever met! I keep waiting for him to throw this huge tantrum, or pick up some awful habit.. but it hasn't happened yet.. He's just a sweetheart!
Some things about Wes -
Favorite toy - "night night baby" aka glow worm
Favorite food - He LOVES avacado and pickles. (Not together.. most of the time)
Favorite piece of clothing - His sleepers! He LOVES his footie PJs
Favorite show/book - Both of my kids are obsessed with rescue-bots. We've watched season 1 and 2 at LEAST 3 times. Favorite book.. hmm.. He loves anything by Dr. Suess..  I hear "read book" at least 2-3 times a day. We end every day by reading 3 stories.
Weston LOVES to dance.. If there's a beat, he'll dance to it.. He is too funny! Every time I pull out my phone to take a video of it though, he stops.. laaaame!
Watching his little personality develop is so much fun.

Kadyn -
Kadyn is so much like me.. We've been struggling with some behavioral issues lately..
The hard thing though, is that she's not really WRONG..
I'll fuss at Weston and Kadyn will try to jump in the middle of it and stand up for him.
I know she's trying to defend her brother.. but ugh..
She stands up for ANYBODY who she thinks is being picked on.
That got me in some trouble as a kid.. I did the same thing for my sister.. I've had my butt kicked up and down because of it. I try to explain to her that sometimes when somebody does something wrong, the only way they'll learn not to do it again is if they are corrected.
She's a little firecracker... seriously..
The good things -
We have potty training DOWN PAT. Struggling with that made me worry like crazy.. Its such a relief that she is 100% potty trained.
She learned how to change her own clothes. She gets to mad if I try to help.. "Me me me!!"
She also learned how to do small things like - Get her own drink, get her own snack from the pantry, put her socks and shoes on, turn lights off when she's leaving the room..
She's so smart.. She knows how to say her ABC's backwards.. No joke..  She can also count to 150..
I'm excited (and sad) about her started school this year.. I feel like I'm not challenging her enough here. She already knows most of what I can teach her for now.. "Mom, that is a parallelogram" ... Woa..

Marriage - 

Good.. Stable.. I didn't think we'd survive a visit from his family, but we did! lol

The beard... I wish it would go!!
 

Josh took Kadyn on her first daddy-daughter date. They went to see her first movie.. Big Hero.. She behaved and LOVED it.. I was kinda sad that I missed a "first" but I got to stay home and play with Wes! We have been trying to do more one-on-one time with the kids.

Me -
I'm a damn mess...
On Christmas day, I went to pick up Kadyn and my back did something crazy.. It felt like fireworks were going off in my lower back. I tried to ignore it, thinking I just pulled a muscle.
Friday I went to the doctor.. I couldn't handle the pain any more.. It has been making me snappy..
The doctor looked at it, felt my back, and told it it looked like the muscles were inflamed. (Idk)
He sent me to the hospital to be checked out.
They did some x-rays and all that..
The nurse said that the doctor at the hospital wanted to talk to my family doctor before really talking to me. I thought that was strange, but I'm trying to stay calm about all of it.
I'm hoping by "doctor" she means radiologist. because in that case.. that's normal!
My internist gave me muscle relaxers. an anti-inflammatory pill and told me he wanted me to start physical therapy ASAP.. IDK.. We'll see.. Its hard with 2 kids!
I just keep hoping that I'll wake up, and everything will feel better... maybe?
I also have a monster cold.. Which makes everything ache a little more than normal.. I'm keeping that in mind..
I just want to feel better!!

Other stuff

My mom came up for thanksgiving.. We also did Christmas while she was here. I miss her! =(

Josh's dad came up. This is Phil, Josh's best friend, Josh's dad, and Josh.
They love monopoly.. *cringe*
Josh's brother and his family also came up.. Not really much I can say about that.

Christmas Morning 2014

  

Doctors appointment.. Mom troubles..

Thank goodness for Xanax..
Seriously

I'm stressed... I'm worried... I want to take over and make SURE everything's gonna be ok..

The fainting spells haven't stopped. They're SO painful.. I said if it happened one more time, then I would make an appointment..
Went to the doctor yesterday..
She has reviewed all of my medical records since way back when.. SO, I trust her judgement..
IDK though... She thinks it's my stupid heart... 

I've always had a fast heart-rate.. That's normal for me..
I've been to the cardiologist twice about it. (They made me go during both pregnancies)
She ordered an echo-cardiogram and a 24 hour heart monitor. I really don't want to do it.
I think my heart is FINE.. I'm 26... TWENTY SIX...  I've been dealt a crappy hand when it comes to my stomach, so.. my heart just has to be fine.. 

I want to say "Nope!" and ignore it all.
I. do. not. want. to. do. this.
I'll be fine!
Let me tell ya how the 24 hour monitor is gonna go with MY kids.. "Hey, there's no blood.. you're ok..." (while I'm about to freak out) .. "Did you just eat that?!?!!" (checking Google to see if its gonna do any harm).. "Look, if you're gonna jump... can you NOT jump off of stuff THAT high?!!" (*covers eyes*) 

I used to be such a calm person!

I wish I could go down to GA and fix everything.. Take care of everybody...
My Aunt's partner is having to have surgery.
Mom thinks she needs to be there for everything.. I'm good with that.. BUT
She keeps falling..
She fell up here (and fell onto Weston).. and she recently fell and messed up her ankle...
I want to go down there.. Pack up her stuff... Drag her back here.. Clear out my entire basement (There's 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, a living-room, and a utility room down there.. 800sq ft!!!!) and make her move in with me. I told her that she will ALWAYS have that space if she needed it.. She makes me so NERVOUS! "You know, I can have it cleaned out in like.. 8 hours... Its yours!"
But no.. she's stubborn... 

I understand that she wants her freedom.. I just wish she'd be more careful! She lives in the middle of nowhere.. There's snakes, scary people, and did I mention that she lives alone? What if something happened?! I keep hoping that 1. my aunt would be there.. or 2. she'd call me and I could find her help.. Is it bad that I want to get her life-alert for Christmas?
YES, I know shes a grown woman.. I will always worry though..
Every time I get a call from a GA number that's not hers.. I have a hard time hitting "answer".. -
I know taking care of mom (not that its a bad thing) is gonna be all me.. I'm OK with it... I just want that part of my life to be REALLY far away...

Better

I'm feeling a lot better today.. Well, mentally.. Last night was a very rough night stomach wise... I've taken my max amount of Zofran and still feel really ew... Not feeling light headed today though, so I'll take it.

Everything else in my life is good..
At this very moment, everything is calm.. My kids are sitting on a blanket in front of me, singing.. Candles have been lit.. The room is semi-clean.. Everybody's clean and their little belly's are full..  I'm good!

Hard to talk about.

I don't know who reads this.. I don't know what I should be saying..
Gonna write about what I'm worried about.

Me.
This is gonna be a messy, emotional post..
I don't care.
I don't say anything to anybody about this stuff.. I'm about to explode...

I went to my cousins wedding 2 weekends ago. It was in Charlotte, about 6 hours away.
Everything was great.. I drove all the way there .. Got checked into the hotel, got everybody dressed, and headed to the rehearsal. The rehearsal went well.. Kadyn was a little moody, but when is she not? We're at that age.. Drove to the rehearsal dinner..
Spent about an hour talking to family.. Played catch-up with everybody..
My little family was gathered around the picnic table.. I started to feel kind of sick.. I just shrugged it off and blamed it on not eating enough.  I ate a few bites of food and drank 2 bottles of water..
Kept getting worse..
MB knew something was wrong with me..  She sat down next to me and all I could say was "it's getting bad.. I feel faint.. "
Hollie (mb's girlfriend) came and tried to help too... She took over my mom-role and helped me with the kids.
My hearing went, everybody sounded like they were under water.
My balance was gone..  I looked completely drunk.. (I wish I would have been)
I couldn't find my mom anywhere. MB loaded up my stuff, Hollie loaded up the kids.. and they took me to the car.. I really didn't want to leave, but it was almost to where I couldn't stand up..
Mom finally met me in the car and we started to drive back to the hotel.
I got sick in the stupid car.. There were two blocks of time that I don't remember.. I think that's passing out? IDK
She pulled me out of the car and laid me in bed.
EVERYTHING hurt..
My stomach area was throbbing and everything was spinning..
I kept checking on the kids, but I had no energy.
I guess it's a good thing that I didn't go by myself...

I'm so tired of this.
Doctors just send off for CT scans.. Blood tests.. Upper GI's... I'm so tired of it ALL...  I know it could be worse.. I know it could be MUCH worse.. But, I'm 26 with two kids.. I'm scared...
I'm tired of the tests, but I know its all necessary..
I wake up during upper GI's, with the tube down my throat..
CT scans just burn..
During blood tests, my veins ALWAYS roll..
It hurts..
This is also taking a toll on my family financially. I feel so much guilt about that.. I remember my parents struggling with it when I was in high school.. I left home at 17 because I was tired of being a burden. I wanted to be free of all of it.. Part of the reason I married my first husband was "we'll have tricare".. As awful as that sounds.. He also focused ALL of energy into "fixing me" at first.

I try to act tough about all of it..
Seeing my mom during the last "episode" was hard.. She said it reminds her of my "failing" days.. I don't like to see anybody upset, so I act as OK as I can.. I refuse to talk about it after..

This is how I feel about it all..
I'm confused
I'm terrified
I'm angry..
I'm enjoying EVERY bit of my life.. I look at my kids differently..
I have a gut feeling that something is very wrong.. I'm FRUSTRATED that NO doctor can figure it out.. What if its something that is just getting worse?

Why can't I just be normal?

UPcycling! *edited*

My happy place.

I've been "upcycling" furniture again.
It makes me happy... I realized that I don't have anything that I fixed up.. I either gave it away, or it was "sold" (taken, but "here's $20")
I cannot stand to see a piece of well built furniture go to waste. The stuff that is sold now-a-days is just crap. Particle board is the devil.. lol...
It makes me wince when I see people treating antiques like crap.
Cant deal!!!



This is a piece that I found this week.
There were a billion magazine racks at this shop, but they all looked plain.
I knew somebody was going to buy them! Borrrrrinnnggg!
THEN I saw this.. It was in the back corner, covered in dirt and dust.
It honestly looked like it might fall apart. Marked at $18 though, I was ok with that.
I LOVE the detail!
I brought it home and.....
1. cleaned it
2. tightened everything back up.
3. GENTLY tapped in the nails that were coming out..
4. Cleaned the detailing out with a TINY paintbrush and oil.
5. cleaned it again. (Warm water)
6. Polished it
7. Polished it some more.. lol!
I wish I would have taken a "before" picture!!! UGH!!! I got too excited and forgot..

I told the lady that was selling it that I was going to "try to bring it back to life" and she asked if I was going to paint it.
I don't usually paint anything that has that much detail.. I also don't like to PAINT antiques..
One thing that bugs me more than anything else... When I see a beautiful piece of antique furniture that's painted and "distressed",,,, NoOoOOoOo!!!.. "Its makes it look old!".... It freaking IS old, and should be respected.. Gah!
I don't bring out the paint unless its a newer beat-to-hell-but-has-potential piece..
I also don't believe in spray paint.. lol.. OK... Its alright for some things, but I try to avoid it when I'm painting furniture.

The next day, I went exploring.

The Corner Thrift Shop (with a green roof) was so much fun. It had holes in the floor, but whatever! I got the three smaller pictures from there. The owner was a character! He reminded me of somebody back in Newberry.
Huckleberry's was great.. The owner was awesome..  She gave me a lot of suggestions on where to go in downtown Fredericksburg. She also showed me the corner that she put all of HER unfinished projects in.. VERY cool... The huge picture with the blue around it caught my eye.
Children Playing at the Seashore.

Had to get it!

It's hanging over my fireplace right now.


My newest projects..
Yesterday, I went to a goodwill store.. I needed to drop a LOT of stuff off..
I found my 2 newest projects. I've almost finished one, but forgot the clear coat!! UGH! Gotta make another trip to home depot. *sigh*


*Edit*

Before and after. Not shown was the horrible bubbling in the wood.. That took a while to fix..