Very VERY bad day.

Something happened yesterday that terrifies me.

I was at the store with the kids.. I was feeling fine..
I usually start on one side of the store and move my way over to the milk/cheese.. Well, one aisle before I got there, I started to have a stomach ache.. I knew things were going South, so I skipped everything else and went to check out. At the check out, I started to cold sweat and every second felt like 10 minutes.. "I'll be fine.. I'll drink something and sit down when I get out of here.."
I sat on the back of the car with the kids and drank some apple juice.. Things got worse...
Everything started spinning.. I shoved the rest of the groceries into the car, fumbled my way through buckling the kids, and sat in the front seat... I pointed the AC towards my face and things got a little better... My stomach still felt as though I was being punched.... I didn't know if I should stay that way, or head for home.. Nobody could come get me, so I decided to drive home.. The store is literally 2 minutes away from my house.. I went 30-40 all the way home and parked in our drive way.. I didn't know how bad things were at the time, but I shouldn't have driven. THAT was not responsible at all. Anyways, I sat there for a minute waiting for my phone to turn on. I couldn't really feel my legs after I parked. My phone was taking too long and things got really blurry again.. I got up and went to get Josh.. I saw him coming out already.. I got out of the car and tried to go up the stairs (he was getting the kids).. I collapsed on our front steps.. He put the kids inside and helped me get into the bathroom. I blacked out.. I couldn't speak.. I couldn't sit up.. I couldnt do anything.. I was in so much pain and the only thing I could say was "help me".. He was standing over me, yelling "HOW!? tell me what to do!".. I was drenched in sweat and passed out every minute or so, for about 5 seconds.. I told him that he needed to call 911... (I've never in my LIFE had to do that).. He went to get his phone.. He stood there for a minute and I was able to sit up.. I said nevermind (I'm extremely hard headed when it comes to the hospital).. He was still wanting to call... He helped me upstairs and I laid on the bed.. I had stopped blacking out, but I still couldn't really talk and felt limp.. He got me water, pain pills, and an ice pack. I laid in the bed and cried.. I didn't know what was going on...

My children tried to grab me while I was in the bathroom.. They both kept grabbing at my shirt, and Kadyn was screaming "Mommy!!"... I pushed them out and shut the door.. "No.. no.. its ok.. " is all I could get out.. Josh took them to the other side of the house..

He brought them upstairs after things calmed down.  Kadyn barely touched me and told me she loved me.. Weston had fallen asleep, so Josh put him down next to me..
I stayed there for a few hours.
I told Josh that if it looked like it was going to happen again, to go ahead and call the paramedics.. But until then, I just needed rest..

Josh has distanced himself from me. He was very snappy, and didn't really talk to me after all of that happened.. He doesn't want to go near me.. I've been broken up with before because of this stuff, so its REALLY bothering me that he's handling it like this..

You might think I'm insane for not calling them immediately..
This has happened to me before.. NOT to this severity.. But this has happened.. In 12th grade.. I almost blacked out in health science.. My parents talked with my teachers, doctors, and the principle that afternoon and then pulled me out of school.. I wasn't allowed to see friends or go to the senior ANYTHING.. I was allowed a "free pass" by my doctor to go to the prom..

My parents rushed me to the doctor when this happened to me then, and nobody could give them any answers.. We did every test under the sun and NOTHING..  I was scanned, poked, and they shoved a camera down my throat twice.. Nothing.. They kept dragging me to every doctor they could think of and nobody could help me.. I finally begged them to just let me be.. I couldn't take any more..

If it wasn't for that, then I would have gone to the hospital yesterday..
I'm still going to the doctor today..
Im printing this out and showing it to them. I'm not good at talking about this stuff..
When I told Kimberly last night, I could barely get it out.. I dont know why.. But I'm ashamed that this stuff happens to me.. I'm afraid people are going to think I'm making it up..

I wish I was making it up.

I'm not leaving the house for a while.
I've given Josh my drivers license and told him not let me drive until things get better.. IF that takes months, then so be it.. I feel so bad for driving yesterday..
I will not be going out alone again for a long time... Not going out alone with the kids for a VERY long time.. I dont trust myself any more. (Very bad feeling)
I dont really want to be alone at all.
I want to call my mom and beg her to come be with me.. I can't do that though.. She has her own life.


Maybe one day we'll figure this out..
I keep hoping..

Long update.

Update

Kadyn - Turned 4!!!!
She's FINALLY almost potty trained.. I broke down and did what my aunt and mom did.. After she had a cup of water, she sat on the potty for an hour and a half until she went.. She's been going ever since.. She pees in the potty, but we're still working on the other thing.. lol.. I know we're "behind" when it comes to potty training, but I'm trying not to focus on that. Every child is different.. She just happens to be one of the more hard-headed kids.. I told her that as soon as she ONLY goes to the potty, I'll enroll her in ballet or karate (her dads idea). Her dad and I would LOVE to do that for her. I do not know how I'll handle a rough and tough karate kid.. But I'll figure it out..

Birth

18 months

4 years old!! 

Anyways..  She has become an EXCELLENT big sister.. She loves to mother her brother.. She's always getting him snacks, drinks, toys, and she tells me when he needs to be changed. Even though I try to be vigilant, sometimes I miss things. Kadyn watches over her brother and always lets me know when he's doing something he shouldn't. I could not be more proud of her. She is a polite, caring, smart little girl..
I've asked her a few questions about being 4.
Whats your favorite color? blue
Whats your favorite food? lasagna and french fries.
Whats your favorite toy? Geo, Bot, and Millie.
Whats your favorite book? Anything mommy reads.
Whats your favorite outfit? Space PJS!
What do you want to be when you grow up? Like Cacky (tears)
What makes you happy? Mommy, Daddy, and Weston. (again, teary)
Kadyn - "I want to see my name! Kadyn Rebecca"

Weston - Is 14 months old! He has learned how to run, and he wears mommy OUT!  He knows about 20 words, and has started to put them into small sentences. "Sit down".. "Go up".. "No Bubba".. "Get down".. I swear he said "I love you" the other day..  He is the sweetest little boy.. He gives me kisses about 10 times a day and loves to snuggle.. Weston LOVES to clean.. Yes, I said that.. He has his own little broom and dust pan, and he goes around picking up everything off of the floor. He throws away anything that he thinks is trash. (I go behind him and make sure).. and he puts away his own clothes.. I hand them to him and tell him which drawer they go in, and he puts them away!
His favorite thing right now is the toy kitchen and play food.. Right now, he's watching the construction workers outside.. They're building our deck, and Wes thinks its the most interesting thing in the world. Weston is a very observant child. He stands back and watches things before he tries them. He watches his sister play, instead of playing with her. I am encouraging him to be a little more hands-on though. His personality is SO similar to his dads.
His favorites
Color? Orange
Food? Anything.. Wes eats anything and everything.. He is an EXCELLENT eater.. He prefers veggies and fruit over any kind of junk food.. He's like me when it comes to his diet!
Favorite toy? He has a few favorites... His blocks, his car, and his orange ball.  Of course he still likes all of his sisters toys more than his own, but whatever.. lol
Favorite book? Green eggs and ham.. Every time I say "I do not like", he laughs like crazy!
Favorite outfit? His red shark PJs.. Lately, he's been picking out his own clothes and its the only thing he doesn't say no to..
What do you want to be when you grow up? Can't really answer this one yet, but Josh says he's going to be a musician.. Weston can keep up with the beat of a song, and he loves to dance.
What makes you happy? Daddy. Weston has become a daddy's boy recently. Every time Josh comes home, Weston runs to him and snuggles him. He won't let Josh put him down for about 15 minutes.. When Josh makes eye contact with Wes, Wes lights up. 

For the longest time, I thought his hair would be black like Josh's.. It's lightening up though!!! 

Josh/Marriage

Josh is doing well. He's up for a promotion! We're keeping our fingers crossed that he gets it.. He'd go up about 12k a year from what he's currently making. It's a GS 13 spot.. Life would be so much easier if he got it.. His headaches are still happening. Its a very scary thing, and I wish he's go in for some tests. I made him an appointment with my doctor soon. Hopefully she'll be able to help!
Our marriage is getting stronger and stronger. I've been trying to let go of the past.  I keep waiting for bottom to fall out, and I discover some horrible habit or trait that he has. Its been 5 years, we've been together 7.. I dont think it's going to happen.. I'm still on edge though, because he seems so perfect. He think's he's not, but he really is.. Well.. Perfect for me.. I've never seen a man with such control over his emotions, such discipline, and such ambition. I'm very VERY proud of my husband. He's a gentle, caring, calm man, and that's exactly what I needed. I've had such harsh male figures in my life.. Its nice to know that's over.. 

Me -
Health - I saw my internist on Monday. She put me on a few different things.. We talked about the stomach issues and she brought up my old records.. She said she think's its time to see a surgeon.. I think I'm going to see a new gastroenterologist first. My last one suggested seeing a surgeon too.. I do NOT want to do any kind of exploratory surgery though.. They might be able to cut some adhesions, but 1. they'll most likely grow back. & 2. If they do grow back, they'll probably be worse.. the surgery could also create new scar tissue.. So, while it might be a short term fix, I do not think it's worth it in the long run.. I have too much relying on me.. 

My other option was to just stay medicated.. I hate it, but I think I'll have to..  We set up a routine of 5 medications.. I really hope they do something for once.. Today is my second day with the pain reliever, so far so good.. Its non-narcotic, so I can actually think! yay!
Personal life - The drama with my dad bothered me for a while. I had to create a new facebook, and I changed my number. It was rough at first, but it has been worth the trouble. I have 40 friends on this facebook, and they're people I don't think would hurt me. As for dealing with him, I refuse to let him see me upset. I'm also done running from it all..  I am a very nice person, but I know HOW to be mean.. I learned from the best.. I refuse to sink to his level EVER, but I will not be abused in any way.. I keep hearing that I yelled at his wife at the hospital. Its so far away from the truth... I do not make scenes in public. I have more respect for myself than that.. Its trashy... If I have an issue with somebody, I will find the right time and place to say something.. I'm firm, but I do not yell... Whatever though... I will keep my head up and SMILE.. He's taken away too much of my happiness, and I'm not going to give him that power any more.. I'm going to live my life to the fullest..  

No makeup.. lol