5 months & Dolls.

I know I haven't posted in forever. My life is hectic.

Kadyn is great.. She's growing like a weed and she's becoming more independent by the day. (Hate it)
She ADORES her brother and loves to make silly faces for him. She's a sweetie and I'm so proud of her! She recently started playing dolls! I've been waiting for this. From the time I heard "Its a girl", THIS is what I pictured. Playing dolls with her makes my heart  happy. Seeing that she's a great mommy to her dolls is amazing feeling. I hope that what she does, is what she sees in me. I really try to be the best mom I can be, even if I lose it every now and then... Seeing her tell her dolls that she loves them *over and over* makes me feel like MAYBE I'm doing something right by her. She makes sure they're comfortable and surrounds them with love, compassion, understanding and support. Example: When she put the doll to bed, she laid next to the doll bed and kept telling her doll "Nothing's scary.. Its ok.. I'm here.. " MADE MY HEART MELT!!
Looking forward to another Christmas with my little girl. Santa's bringing her some good stuff. *From what I hear* :)

 

Weston is an amazing baby. He rolled over on November 20th! I've been afraid that he'd be behind, because he was born almost 4 weeks early. NOPE! Little man is thriving! He's close to 18 lbs and he's turning 5 months old in 4 days! Can't believe it! I'm telling ya, the second kid grows a LOT faster than the 1st *well, it feels that way*.. I'm looking forward to all of the "first Christmas" stuff!
I just adore my Weston.

My children are my happiness.


Me - Besides being stressed, I've been ok. I recently dropped 8-9 lbs out of nowhere! Its strange, and kinda scary.. I mean, I would love to lose the rest of my Kadyn weight, but slowly. Hoping things are ok!

Govt shutdown, kiddos, life!

I can't believe I haven't updated in so long.. OOPS!

Kadyn - Has grown like crazy lately... literally.. She's gone up a size in everything! She's speaking in full sentences and the tantrums have calmed down. She's REALLY starting to be a big girl.. It makes me so sad!

I love her little personality though. At her 3 year old appointment, she was 32lbs and 34 inches tall. (I think)

                                   

Wes - OMG! He's the best baby! He barely EVER cries and smiles non-stop. He's 17lbs and 23 inches long. He's started to "talk" to us a lot. OH, and he's started laughing lately too!!

         

Life - We were part of the government shutdown. We lost 50% of our paycheck. We ended up with $66 after paying the mortgage, and our savings is now next to nothing. It was HORRIBLE. I still feel absolutely sick at my stomach. We were furloughed in July, and then this.. It has been a HARD few months. We're supposed to get back-pay, but I'm not holding my breath. It's made me look at things differently. I think we'll be investing in a deep freezer and a Sam's club membership soon. I want to be prepared for this to happen again & have what we need. Stocking up on diapers too! My nerves are still torn up. No joke, chest pain and everything.. Luckily, Mom came up and has been buying everything (we never asked her to)... She's just awesome like that.. I don't know what I'd do without her!

My mom and Weston

Me - I'm feeling OK lately. My side hasn't been giving me that much trouble. I know when to stop and rest. . I used to just push through everything, but I've stopped that. It's not worth it, and I need to be at my best. Anxiety is in check.. I went through a month without my medicine, NOT A GOOD PLAN! Everything's ok now though. Baby weight is driving me crazy.. Right after Wes was born, I wen't down to almost 2lbs above pre-pregnancy.. THEN I gained 8lbs back.. SOOO now I'm like 4 lbs away from pre-pregnancy weight. Its so frustrating!! Grr! O well though! 

Marriage - Since moving into this house and having Wes, we don't really fight. We have small disagreements and sometimes we frustrate each other, but its not an actual fight. I think we've been so much that not a lot phases us as a couple. I still like my husband, its nice!

                                       

More Pictures!

Struggling.

I'm struggling.
Wes is teething.
Kadyn is throwing tantrum after tantrum.
We're in the middle of the shut down.
I don't have my medication.
Josh and I keep fighting..
My mom keeps having scare after scare..
I just don't know how much more I can handle!
I try.. I TRY SO HARD to act like nothing's wrong. I try to keep it all together and just smile..
Most of the time, on the outside.. I look fine..
I feel like I'm fighting non-stop.

I want to throw my hands up and say "Im done!"
I dont feel that way often.
I feel so disconnected from everybody right now.
I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to STRUGGLE any more!!!
EVERY single time I feel like I'm getting ahead, something knocks me back 10 feet.
If I stop hiding that I'm upset, people hate me..
If I pretend everything's fine.. I hate me...
I just don't know any more.

Just some random thoughts.

There's one major plus about being adopted.
Freedom from certain things.
You don't feel like you need to BE your parents. Well, to me at least.
I feel like I was born with a certain degree of separation from my adoptive parents, and a WHOLE lot of separation from my birth parents. I've never felt a full connection to anybody. While it can be pretty lonely, you really get to know yourself.
This is how I feel -
Picture this.. There's a puzzle that's missing a piece. You find a piece that fits perfectly, but its from a different puzzle. The pattern isn't the same but it still fits and makes the puzzle whole.. That's how I feel.. Like that puzzle piece.
I fit in, but I don't at the same time.
I feel like an independent soul.

I don't look like anybody.. act like anybody.. I am me..
My parents have always said "You knew exactly who you were, at the age of 8..."
Why?
I didn't get my temper from my dad.. My brains from my mom...
Becky is Becky.
I don't feel like I need to live up to anybody... I don't feel afraid of turning into so-and-so..
I'm not following in anybody's footsteps, I'm blazing a whole new trail.
People look at me like "aww" when I say I'm adopted.. Why? Its never something to be sympathetic about.
I get "don't be like that.." when I say that I have no desire to meet anybody else from my birth family. I'm really OK.

Baby Bee

Mom & baby product that I'm in love with.

WHY oh WHY was I not aware that Burts Bee's baby products existed?
Wes has stomach problems, therefore we battle diaper rashes constantly.
He actually got to the point where his skin was wearing down and raw. It was horrible and nothing I tried, worked.
We tried:
Desitin
Butt Paste
Aveno baby
Earth's best diaper cream
Aquaphor
A&D
A&D.. F.. (Anti-fungal)
Diaper cream mixed with lotrimin.
Udder ointment
Breast milk
Corn starch
On top of doing baking soda baths, oatmeal baths, and a bath with a tiny bit of vinegar in it.
We tried letting him go without a diaper
We actually spent $150 on cloth diapers and did that for a few weeks..
Nothing..
NOTHING!

Constantly putting desitin on DID do a little bit. It healed the raw skin, but the rash was always still there.
THEN I read about Burt's Bee's Baby products.
I went and got the diaper cream right then.
2 days later, the rash was gone. After the first day, you could tell the rash was calming down.
It smells different and its $9 a tube, but OMG. I will never buy anything else. I have to drive 20 minutes away to get it, but its worth it.
I also bought the multipurpose ointment for other issues. I love that stuff also!
Putting all of those chemicals on Wes bothered me, and I don't have to worry about that now... another plus!
So, moms.. If you have a "rashy baby".. Try it!
Im going to be buying their other products soon.


                                              

First REAL entry.

Hey guys.
New computer.. New blog...
It was almost impossible to blog on my phone. Usually I ended up writing one sentence, then wanting to throw the phone across the room.
Hubs surprised me with a Toshiba laptop bundle when he came home from work today. Pretty cool huh?! I've just had a good day. My sister also came to visit!! We've all missed her so much.

Life..
Life is good..  I'm finally starting to feel like this place is home. I don't need my GPS to go to the grocery store any more.. We've picked a pediatrician, a dentist and we have a favorite pizza place. Maybe we'll stay here.. lol.. JK... We ARE staying here!
Things are starting to feel familiar. It usually takes me a good year before I don't feel lost any more, so this is nice. I HATED moving away from SC. I thought it was the worst thing ever.. I cried for months.. It was so hard for me to leave everything behind. I see now that it was probably one of the best decisions we've made. I'm much MUCH stronger. I'm not afraid of my own shadow any more. I don't feel like I need to look over my shoulder a million times a day. I'm not afraid to leave the house, and when I get into the car.. I don't feel the need to look around in fear. I'm not afraid of answering the doorbell and I don't care about drama. Its nice to feel that relief and it has definitely changed me as a person. I'm not nearly as negative as I used to be and I feel a lot less stressed out.

The babies.
My GIRLY turned THREE!!! I cannot believe it. She speaks in sentences that I can understand, she knows 1-40, all of her colors and letters, and she even knows how to spell certain words. I'm so proud of her! She's a little fireball. She's a great big sister. She gives Wes kisses 100 times a day, and helps me when she can. She's an independent little thing, don't know where she gets that from. *wink wink* I love her to pieces and I can't wait to see what her future holds.

My Wes! He's 9 weeks old now! He started cooing at me a few days ago and I LOVE it.. He's able to hold his head up for about 30 seconds now. I'm so proud! He's a chunk *of sweetness*.. He filled a hole in our family that I didn't know was even there and I cannot imagine life without him. He wasn't even in existence a year ago. A year ago, we were still saying "I don't know.. Another baby? Maybe"
Crazy!!!!

My health
I have my good days and bad days. Sometimes I have a horrible stabbing pain behind my incision area.. It makes me double over but it only lasts a few minutes at a time. The side pain isn't as bad, but its still there. The first day that I had it after giving birth, I cried.. I was hoping it wouldn't come back. That's one positive thing about pregnancy, the side pain is gone for 9 months!
I'm just happy to still be here.. The last few months have been an uphill battle, but I think I've won.
Josh jokes that I'm a cockroach.. He says that he doesn't worry half as much as he used to, because I've lived through so much. He's confident that I'm not going anywhere. I guess that's a good thing!
Being Mom to 2
There are times that I'm so overwhelmed that I want to run away.. but then 20 minutes later.. I'm overwhelmed with joy because one of the kids did something adorable.. I worry because Kadyn keeps telling me "Don't worry Mommy" ..  Is it that obvious? I'm so afraid of her thinking I'm weak. I worry about being a good roll model for her 24/7, but I guess I need to listen to her. DONT WORRY MOMMY!! STOP!  I know I need to calm down. I DO enjoy my children though. I still stare at my kids when they're asleep and emit Mommy love into the universe. Warm and fuzzy Mommy love. *hah* They're growing so fast, that I really do try to take in every single second. I'm so afraid of forgetting something, or not being there for some amazing moment. I know their childhood will fly by and I want to be there for EVERYTHING. Even though motherhood is a struggle sometimes, I wouldn't change anything about it. Those struggles create motherly wisdom. Gotta have that for when my girly calls me with "Mom!! the baby wont stop crying.. " or "Mom, how do you get gum out of 1 year olds hair?!"..  I will definitely be able to say "Oh hun, been there..." I love the craziness! (Almost as much as I love naptime)
Well guys, until next time!
Much love to all of you
Becky.

Im going to totally redo this and begin to use it! Soon... very soon!