I don't know who reads this.. I don't know what I should be saying..
Gonna write about what I'm worried about.
Me.
This is gonna be a messy, emotional post..
I don't care.
I don't say anything to anybody about this stuff.. I'm about to explode...
I went to my cousins wedding 2 weekends ago. It was in Charlotte, about 6 hours away.
Everything was great.. I drove all the way there .. Got checked into the hotel, got everybody dressed, and headed to the rehearsal. The rehearsal went well.. Kadyn was a little moody, but when is she not? We're at that age.. Drove to the rehearsal dinner..
Spent about an hour talking to family.. Played catch-up with everybody..
My little family was gathered around the picnic table.. I started to feel kind of sick.. I just shrugged it off and blamed it on not eating enough. I ate a few bites of food and drank 2 bottles of water..
Kept getting worse..
MB knew something was wrong with me.. She sat down next to me and all I could say was "it's getting bad.. I feel faint.. "
Hollie (mb's girlfriend) came and tried to help too... She took over my mom-role and helped me with the kids.
My hearing went, everybody sounded like they were under water.
My balance was gone.. I looked completely drunk.. (I wish I would have been)
I couldn't find my mom anywhere. MB loaded up my stuff, Hollie loaded up the kids.. and they took me to the car.. I really didn't want to leave, but it was almost to where I couldn't stand up..
Mom finally met me in the car and we started to drive back to the hotel.
I got sick in the stupid car.. There were two blocks of time that I don't remember.. I think that's passing out? IDK
She pulled me out of the car and laid me in bed.
EVERYTHING hurt..
My stomach area was throbbing and everything was spinning..
I kept checking on the kids, but I had no energy.
I guess it's a good thing that I didn't go by myself...
I'm so tired of this.
Doctors just send off for CT scans.. Blood tests.. Upper GI's... I'm so tired of it ALL... I know it could be worse.. I know it could be MUCH worse.. But, I'm 26 with two kids.. I'm scared...
I'm tired of the tests, but I know its all necessary..
I wake up during upper GI's, with the tube down my throat..
CT scans just burn..
During blood tests, my veins ALWAYS roll..
It hurts..
This is also taking a toll on my family financially. I feel so much guilt about that.. I remember my parents struggling with it when I was in high school.. I left home at 17 because I was tired of being a burden. I wanted to be free of all of it.. Part of the reason I married my first husband was "we'll have tricare".. As awful as that sounds.. He also focused ALL of energy into "fixing me" at first.
I try to act tough about all of it..
Seeing my mom during the last "episode" was hard.. She said it reminds her of my "failing" days.. I don't like to see anybody upset, so I act as OK as I can.. I refuse to talk about it after..
This is how I feel about it all..
I'm confused
I'm terrified
I'm angry..
I'm enjoying EVERY bit of my life.. I look at my kids differently..
I have a gut feeling that something is very wrong.. I'm FRUSTRATED that NO doctor can figure it out.. What if its something that is just getting worse?
Why can't I just be normal?
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I cannot imagine how scary not knowing must be!!! I can only barely relate to the frustration of doctors ordering tons of tests without a real clue as to what's wrong, but I eventually got answers. Now my dealings are only slightly better... doctors are idiots. Hang in there and maybe someone will eventually figure it out. I hope you get well or at least find some answers. I honestly believe knowing is half the battle, and the most important part. Have you reached out to patient chats online? That's probably a dumb question but surely you are not the first person to have these exact symptoms, ya know?
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